Sheep happens.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Past. Present. Future?

Here it comes again, here it comes again. The feeling that I'm not good enough and I never will live up to those aspirations. I fail time and again, and it leaves me wondering when I can ever right myself of these wrongs. It always is the case when it seems like I'm one mistake away from damnation, and I guess if all my hypotheses were right I'd be going to Hell hundreds, even thousands of times over for the mistakes that I could have prevented myself from making with sufficient self-control. That is the fact that troubles me most; that I could have done something to stop myself from committing these errors, but yet making those mistakes anyway.

It is said that humans learn from mistakes better than they ever learn from anything else, but why do people make the same mistakes over and over again? Why does a leopard never change its spots, even when mountains crumble and oceans dry up?

The root word of history would be the greek "historia", which means "learning by inquiry". Even with the thousands of years of human history that we have seen, and the scores of examples of the fall of Man to the temptations of sin, why do people of today still commit the same mistakes over and over again without even blinking an eye? Things are made worse by the fact that we are aggravating the human condition by propagating the undesirable; violence, lust, vanity and immorality are but a few of the rotten fruits of humanity today.

It seems that no amount of learning can rectify the flaws of humanity and its nature, and pessimists certainly have a good reason to predict a bleaker future than ever could be predicted. With the rise of individualistic ideologies in the world today through globalization, more and more people are taking things into their own hands; both on the micro and macro scale, in all aspects of human life as we know it today.

Increasing numbers of people today hold the belief that personal freedom comes with the power to influence their destiny, that they have the ability to affect change on the world they live in through the power of the mind alone. The world today is operated with money as the blood that runs through its veins, and we see the very high level of dependence that people place on their finances. People place emphasis on money, the very thing that can create rifts in matters of the heart and all else that truly matters. Priorities are often misplaced, and the problem seems set to extend its roots even further into our hearts. Christians, too, are faced with problems such as these.

We have lost focus. We have fallen prey to the disguised traps of the Evil One, and only one thing can save us.

The One who has saved us from the beginning.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Balance

I believe that balance is the sempiternal in this life; a permanent fixture which will never be abolished, lest the world comes to an end. As sure as there are righteous men alive in the world today, evil men do still exist; conflict coexists with peace within an intricate cocktail of circumstances. It is apparent that balance is omnipresent in all aspects of life, even within the realms of Physics, where matter even has its opposite: the antimatter. For every positive there has to be a negative just hiding around the corner, and it is such with human life.

We go through ups and downs, but in fact the good and the bad coexists in our lives. Positive or negative occurences are simultaneously inherent in our lives, leaving everything to a matter of perception. When we are going through more of a positive, the negative is diminished; when we are going through the negative, the positive is diminished. The equilibrium of this positive-negative function is the resultant emotion or degree of negativity in our life. How each and every person deals with it, however, is another issue. Logically, this should be where the theory of emotional quota is rooted from; how a person deals with circumstances in which the negative completely outweighs the simple positive occurences in life.

The above deduction might sound like a mechanical, maybe even emotionless derivation of an intricate aspect of human life, but I assure you that I am just a plain (and often emotional) person trying to make sense of his constant struggle against negative emotions. I'm happy at present, but I realized that even in happiness there still exists underlying negativities beyond the external self. As much as we (or maybe it is only I) dislike to admit, even in the worst of crises we can still find many positives. It is only a matter of perception, maybe one's emotional quota?

It will always be the case in which humanity is struggling to wipe out all the negavities, but with the definition of negative ranging so widely throughout communities and even families, there is only one and only one way to solve this. The way lies in the path less travelled.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Sine Qua Non

The quest has but only begun for me, and it is becoming apparent that the intensity of the present routines are seemingly insufficient to allow distinction, pun definitely intended. I begin to puzzle over the means through which I will be able to attain merit within the circumscribed amount of time which I have within my control at present, while others are ostensibly dashing their final lap of the race, much to my stupefaction and dismay. What can I do to salvage this wreck that I have seemingly arranged for myself?

The war is near its end, and it would take only the best strategian to be able to carry this perilous circumstance to a victorious conclusion. A hideous caterpillar into a stunning butterfly; a troglodyte into a man of distinction. I have the best strategian with me, but circumstances would only unravel favourably if I desire it as much as I work towards it. I see the way that the Guide is pointing me to, a desolate path filled with impediment, leading towards the Utopia. I have to find a way to induce the Flesh to take the path less travelled, away from the unobstructed path to self-destruction. Utopia or dystopia? The answer would lie in how I manage to handle my case and how I fight against my insidious wants.

I have been the culprit,
To my selfish needs.
Wash me in Your cleansing flow,
Take my hands and make it work,
For the goodness of Your love.
Wash me in unfailing mercy,
Take my life and let it shine,
For Your Kingdom's Glory fine.
I'm letting go,
Of false control.
Now all I know,
Your forgiveness and embrace.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Eternity

The world today is such that the faces of people change along with time, from what they hear and what they see, or even what they feel. It is of the highest probability that people do not even feel the change, or even realize it, and those who do realize it can do precious little to salvage themselves from the transformation. This transformation is something of a double-edged sword, albeit the fact that it may hurt others in subtle ways that may be unknown to the person. I would probably call it "involuntary offense", for the heart knows nothing of evil intentions, but actions prove otherwise. I choose to ignore the disguised attacks, speaking of it only here, for few will be able to perceive the complexity of the situation without my prompting.

It is with an uncertain heart that I continue with the sempiternal struggle for the desirable subtleties of this life. The mind knows no bounds, but ropes of weakness bind it mercilessly to the pillar of ambiguity; the spirit longs to be strong, but circumstances pin it down to the cold, hard floor. Dubiety undermines my potential, fears mock me, sins cut my soul like a knife.

I desire the realms of eternity, but how could I possibly attain it? For every single time I break the rule, it has not been the last time that I broke it. I have failed time and time again without exception, how do I stop myself from self-inflicted injuries? How do I stop myself from walking away from the gates to eternity?

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Chocolatey Scent of Guilt

It was great. Everything was great. I just had to ruin it for myself. It was all in the name of fun, wasn't it? How could I have reacted that way? I didn't even know what was happening, what I was doing. It's as if a monster had taken over. I feel so ashamed, to have failed time and again, and failing worse every single time.

I can still smell the scent of chocolate, reminding me of my failure, reminding me of the monster within, reminding me of the guilt I felt. I feel it now.

I'm sorry.

Monday, July 14, 2008

......

Stars

Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same
I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy, maybe I'm the chance of rain
Maybe I'm overcast, and maybe all my lucks washed down the drain
I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone, you look so lonely

But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars,the stars, I feel like myself
Stars looking at our planet watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane
I've been thinking bout the meaning of resistance, of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home
I've been thinking bout everyone, everyone, you look so empty

But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars,
I feel like myself
everyone, everyone, we feel so lonely
everyone, yeah everyone, we feel so empty
When I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I feel like myself
When I look at the stars, the stars,
I see someone...

----------------------------------------------------

I really feel like I could be hospitalized anytime. I don't know why my body produces such a reaction every single time I have to pitch in harsh conditions, especially yesterday. The repercussions have never been so severe before, and I'm wondering whether I'm having some kind of brain problem, because it really hurts so bad I couldn't even sleep properly last night. It seemed alright when I woke up this morning, but somehow it started again when I was on the bus, all the way till now. From 6.40am to 9.30am and counting. Severe headache.

Things seem disturbingly stagnant at the moment, and I'm wondering why it always has to revert to the same old worries and the same old problems that I should have conquered years ago.

They say the power of the mind knows no bounds. They say the limits of humankind can never be found. There's bound to be someone in this world who starts to push the boundaries, and that someone is, a human. A human just like you and me. If another human can do it, why can't we?

Why can't we be the change that we want to see?

Why do people speak endlessly of changing the world, but they barely ever speak of changing themselves?

----------------------------------------------------

I have failed countless times, fallen prey to the schemes of the Evil One, but is it all within His plan? Is human sin predetermined, so as to lead us to the right path? Is predestination a truth? I need a key to unravel this paradox. God knows all our thoughts, our actions, every single whim of the heart. If He knows our every thought, and if He knows everything that we're going to do and everything that is going to happen to us, would it not mean that all our sins and failures are within His plans for us?

Maybe I shouldn't be figuring this out.

Interesting reads:

For predestination
http://www.mslick.com/predestination.htm
http://www.mslick.com/allmen.htm
http://www.the-highway.com/articleAug02.html

Against predestination:
http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/thomas_paine/predestination.html
http://people.cis.ksu.edu/~bbp9857/calvinism.html

Thursday, July 10, 2008

感恩

我有饭吃，有水喝，有书读，有琴弹，可真幸福呀。感谢神让我能看见，也感谢神让我能这么幸福，有一个美好的家庭。感谢神让我能在华初读书，给我机会能在新加坡鼎鼎有名的初级学院上课，也给我机会来证明神所赐给我的恩赐。

加油加油加油！

Monday, July 07, 2008

Home?

Home- Switchfoot

It's a long way from Miami to LA
It's a longer way from yesterday
To where I am today

It's a long way from my thoughts
To what I'll say
It's a long, long way from paradise
To where I am today

All that's in my head
Is in Your hands

It's a long way from
The moon up to the sun
It's a longer road ahead of me
The road that I've begun

Stop to think of all the
Time I've lost
Start to think of all the
Bridges that I've burned
That must be crossed

Over, over, over
Take me over

I've been poison
I've been rain
I've been fooled again

I've seen ashes
Shine like chrome
Someday I'll see home

Home, home

I can see the stars
From way down here
But I can't fall asleep
Behind the wheel

It's a long way from the
Shadows in my cave
Up to Your reality to
Watch the sunlight taking over

Over, over, over
Take me over

I've been poison
I've been rain
I've been fooled again

I've seen ashes
Shine like chrome
Someday I'll see home

Home, home

----------------------------------------------------

As much as I hate to, I think I'm falling again. It really is such a mystery, how a mere combination of characters projected on a computer screen can cause a human being to experience complex emotions.

Sometimes the outcome matters, sometimes it doesn't. When the outcome matters so much to you, but it seems like everything you've been working for has fallen apart, what do you do? The problem is, I can't do anything to salvage it, save praying. I'd been praying. Prayer is a powerful tool, yes it is. I want to be okay, just like anybody else, but you're not helping at all. It's as if you've put on a mask every single time I see you, and I'm supposed to pretend that everything's alright. I did that, yeah, but it just makes me feel worse. Maybe I'm the one with the mask. Maybe I was never meant to express myself. All I ever experience nowadays is people putting me down, either that or apathy. They were right. Who gives a shit about me anyway.

It blows when I fail to live up to expectations. It blows when my expectations can't go any lower. It blows when you feel like you're in a different world. It blows when you feel like a freakin' alien in a place you're supposed to call home. Forgive me for being so myopic, but I really feel like I can't hang on.

What is home?

Is it a place? Is it a group of people? Is it a refuge? Is it comfort? Is it warmth? Is it communication? Is it love? Is it looking out for each other? Is it a thought?

Or is it just a figment of my imagination?..

Friday, July 04, 2008

Failure.

So, even before getting even half of my results back, I am already feeling like a failure through and through.

I guess its another wake up call. Yeah, another. BT1 was bad enough, but I couldn't see an end to things then. God made me fail for a very good reason I guess.. There's no way I could have managed to ace my exams with that bit of serious work that I did. Everyone else worked hard through the holidays, and that is why I am the one with crap results.

My results at present just show that I have to work harder to achieve my target, and I'll be more than happy to do so. May God give me the strength to carry on and not falter..

Studying is just like running long-distance. The more you feel like stopping, the more you have to go on. All the way, all the way back home.