Sheep happens.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

OKAY.

So if we win tomorrow we'll be in the final against ACS.

IMBA.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Terrible Terrible Terrible.

And again my poor blog is plunged into another melancholic state.

Everyone has those times, when they feel that everything they do is meaningless; when they lose a sense of purpose and when they see no end to these meaningless routines. For the whole period of 2008 so far, I have been working towards living a more meaningful life. I tried to establish friendships and sustain them, I tried to build on the things that I had been taking for granted and I tried, oh I tried so darned many things. Now at this point, not even halfway through the year, I am asking myself:

"To what end?"

Sure, it is only right that I give myself up for the sake of others; it is only right that I place less focus on myself and more on the people I have around me, but why am I feeling so empty now? I find that as a mere human being, it is so difficult to give without expecting any returns no matter how hard you try. The question always comes:

"Why does everything I give fall into hands of apathy?.."

Indeed I am in the wrong for thinking this way, for expecting every little thing I do to be appreciated.

So when friendships progress to a state of apathy or even hostility, all I get is a cut where it hurts most: the heart. Which is the reason for my hurt, which is the reason I fall asleep at night with a heavy burden in my heart, which is the reason something inside me curdles in disappointment every single time I hear of another subtle sigh of assurance that I can never really matter.

So subtle yet so hurtful. Papercut hurts the most.

Frankly I do not know what to do now. The best way out is to go back to faith, the way that could never possibly fail in the long run, but being human, sometimes I only want the easiest way out. What a flawed being I am.

Terrible terrible terrible.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Dumb.

So after I knocked out in school today for two full hours without even realizing it, I had one heck of a time trying to attribute the painful concoction of physical suffering and emotional turbulence. I came to a conclusion finally, and uhh..

I think my subconscious does all the thinking and relays whatever evaluations it has to my consciousness. No matter how much logic I throw at myself, no matter how well I reason, I will never be fully convinced once my subconscious has dumped me into this mood.

So when my subconscious tells me that "things will never be the same again" and "there it goes", I think my consciousness was pretty much beaten into unconsciousness, pardon the pun. Beaten into pulp would be more appropriate.

I find it so difficult to accept and share with others, well, because I know I shouldn't be feeling this way. I'm jealous, I'm selfish and I'm envious, when all I should be doing is just to be happy for what is happening. Happy that "things will never be the same again", and that it will all still go on nicely without me in the equation.

I hate myself for feeling that way, hate myself for being such a flawed soul, hate myself for not having a constancy of purpose, hate myself for just being so weak.

Somehow I managed to convince myself that no one'll read this post. If I didn't, you guys probably wouldn't know what's going on with me. Trust me, I don't really know either. Read, and understand, the pains I am going through; and pardon me.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Resolution

For all You've done, I'll live my life for You Lord.
And I'll sing, Saviour, I love You so.
I'll sing, because the world can't take away Your love.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Close

It was far too close a call, damn it.

By our standards that game should have been a clear win, and what happened in the end was a struggle to overcome the runs we gave to the opponent by ERRORS that could have well been avoided. I definitely could have done a better job. It was a win though, and that just proves one thing: HC is hard to beat. Even if we're going to lose to another team, we won't give up without making you struggle. You can bet on that.

Now I don't even have the mood to study anymore. Can't they just squeeze the last three matches into Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and the final next week? I can't focus my mind on so many things, and by focusing on softball I'd be giving up a month of learning.

Hope there's a good way out of this..

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Weird

Okay so my next match is tomorrow and I have chosen to not study today, just so that I can allow myself some space to chill. It has been a pretty weird day for me in school, and I shall not elaborate much. It was just, well, weird. Never mind about that.

So the diamond's drawn, gear's washed, lessons are to be skipped, but are we ready up there in our minds?

I say, we've got half the battle in our hands already.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

uadpte

Finally another chance for me to update! Okay, so Nationals have started with NJC first on the list. Frankly, though, it was a pretty weird start for me. I would like to blame it on the weather for me not being able to focus, but maybe it's just me. It probably is just me, because everyone else looked fine after the match other than Junyu who got hit by the ball. So I contributed much to NJ scoring 3 runs against us, which was a mega screw up. Everything pretty much went uphill after that though. Only that I had headache through the whole match and the heat was making things (my batting) worse. Great job by the team though. 5 more matches to go, ACS next week at HCI!!

Anyway I officially "passed" my block test 1 since I passed 3 subjects out of a possible 5. Pretty terrible though, CDUDU. I'm going to keep working at it! Oh and yeah, I just picked up my guitar after so long and started playing again. Nice. Maybe I'll start recording some songs for fun...

Last but not least! Buddy what you said the other day has been mega ultra super inspirational for me! Hehe. Please keep praying for me okay, we'll both keep helping each other to grow! (: Ending Beatitudes soon, frankly I think we both kinda got tired with Beatitudes because I guess its either pretty much self-explanatory or too deep for us, because when trying to send the message every night I spend more and more time and writing less and less words. Keep going though!!!

That's it for now people. CYAH!

Sunday, April 06, 2008

6th april

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATRICIA AND L.MINGYI! :)

Okay actually that's about everything that I have to say for today. Awesome. I have to pray more for everything, actually. I'm slowly changing, and I'm getting there in a while.

The road is long though...

Thursday, April 03, 2008

After Blocks

Okay so it took a while for me to settle down a bit after blocks.. Time seems to be passing at oxymoron-ish pace, so slow yet so fast.. The start of the nationals are actually only 6 days away! Everyone's pretty hyped up about it, and its all thanks to Coach Marcus for his amazing guidance. I couldn't ask for a better coach. He turned the team around within THREE months, what other coaches couldn't do in five years. We're as close to the trophy as ever.

Been trying hard to do my work nowadays, but things just keep getting more difficult! Look at SPA skill A. Gosh. Its terrible! PLUS, my grades are pretty "awesome". At least I passed two out of four subjects so far.. May God give me strength!!

Oh speaking of which.. I just embarked on a huge project with em buddy! Its a Bible project, and we're reading and reflecting on a chapter of the Bible a day. Things have been going well so far. Keep the project in prayer!!

Yup, getting back to my friends now after a pretty extended period of "hiatus". Writing those cards and letters again.. Feels good, but there's always that voice in my head that's trying to tell me to do my work instead. Terrible. Haha. I prioritise on what lasts to eternity though..

I notice that in Softball I am a totally different person. Bad. I must find a way to stop all the negativities from propagating into habits.. This is not the way of life that I want to live.