Sheep happens.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Holy cow.

I swear libraries rock.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Focus.

What the hell did I do? Surely before jumping to any conclusions, one must verify the facts before placing any offences on others' heads?

It was important, but now it isn't. Not at all. I enjoy my life at present, to be able to remain in solitude and to enjoy it. I am constantly in a conscious state of mind and I am able to keep my focus on more useful endeavours than to spend my energy on meaningless acts.

It feels good to be able to live a focused life, and I now understand the reason behind certain withdrawals by people. Distraction would only hinder me, and it is not as if I needed any more hindrance. I am of lower intellect, and I need to retain my focus for these two years. Its like starting a 100m race from the 110m line, and I am in a highly disadvantaged position. At the end of the day, I am going to be the one who has put in all he can and achieve what he deserved. I might not be able to win the race at the end of the two years, but I would certainly be successful nonetheless.

If I'll have to fight alone, so be it. I will never truly be alone anyway, for He is with me.

The crunch has yet to come. Matches are beginning next week, and I will fight with the team. My heart, my nerve and my sinew I place on the line. Disappointment is not an option.

Winning is.

Embarking on Project English. I predict that in 292 days I would have gone through the Longman Dictionary once. Focus is of essence.

And whoever said I was miserable?

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

bulldozing

You do not have the right to judge me.

Firstly, I'd like to point out the fact that I am an equal. Not some guy who is just plain inferior and certainly not some useless guy. I am a freaking human, just like you are, complete with FEELINGS and a BRAIN. Contrary to what you might believe.

Shoot me with words all you like, because none of that is going to work. My bubble is more than up to the challenge, and you thought you managed to slap me on the face with those words. Far from it. I am happy this way and none of all this nonsense has the tiniest chance of even scratching me.

The Lord provides, and He has kindly given me the strength to overcome this hurdle. Many more to clear, but thats just how life goes. You fight or you get bulldozed.

Jo = BULLDOZER.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

pain and suffering; forgive and forget.

It takes a hen to make an egg, and it takes an egg to make a hen. I'm not delving into the age-old secular debate of "which one came first" (evidence from the Bible points to the fact that animals were made as they were, which places the hen at the top of the podium), but instead I am using it as an analogy of what I have learnt from all the troubles I went through.

Without pain, you would not know how lucky you are to be unhurt; without suffering you would not even know bliss. For what is life without suffering, people say, and I now truly understand their sentiments exactly.

Pain and suffering are decidedly not very pleasant when inflicted upon the body, mind and spirit. In fact, we humans would do anything to escape pain; anaesthetics, for example, not that it has done us much disservice, though. I'm just proving my point. Pain is an integral part of the human's life, but yet we are willing to go to great lengths just to avoid it.

I now feel a sense of relief, for I have tided over my doubts and worries. I have come to a realization that even though I have been through much unhappiness, I am still blessed. Many people would willingly step into my shoes. Studying in a prestigious school, being able to participate competitively in sports and having a number of friends who really would try to listen. It pains me how reality is so cruel, and it also pains me that sometimes I am unable to appreciate the things I have.

The Lord freely gives and freely He takes away. In fact, I have more to life now than what I have had previously. Wonderful experiences and memories, they would stay, but sometimes it is just so painful to live in the present.

I find a lack of people who try to understand, actually. Sometimes they are just so self-centred and too busy trying to show off to give a damn about others' feelings, and I am not the only victim. I find it truly saddening, really, how education can bring a person thus far, and yet reduce the person into a monster, albeit one who looks like a human. Subject to fads and highly superficialist, these monsters deceive others by putting on a mask, while on the other hand viciously devouring the victims limb by limb. The victims, on the other hand, have to suffer in silence because of them.

One day, these monsters might just realize how stupid they were to have allowed themselves to be transformed, and it would have been to late then. I am sure that God is fair, and these people would get their just punishments accordingly. They blame anything on anyone but themselves, and yet they do not allow themselves to be blamed. They think they are a class above the rest. They think that the world is at their feet and others have to listen to them. I won't.

Other people are just plain inferior. Or so they think.

It is hard to forgive these people for what they have done and what they are doing at present, and it also is hard to forget their deeds, those words which cut like a knife.

Giving up on them is not an option.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

story

Reflection, I find, is the best way to get an overview of your life and to put yourself in the position to take control of the situation. For now, though, what reflections?

I'm going to write a story!

----------------------------------------------

The boy lay there on the warm sand of the beach, taking in and relishing the scene which lay before him; the gentleness of the waves rushing in, the warmth of the sun on his face, the puffy clouds which dotted the blue sky.

His father sitting down beside him.

His father had satisfaction printed all over his face, but still a hint of unhappiness. His father, noticing his gaze, smiled at him. His father's smile was radiant, and he let himself busk in the moment. His father was the only person in the world who made him feel safe, and he loved his father. He would give anything to make him happy, to make him smile. He sat up and hugged his father, wanting to feel his father hug back.

Only that his father did not hug back.

The boy retracted himself from his father's arms, feeling mildly confused at his father's reaction. He looked up at his father's face, half hoping that his father would smile at him and hug him back, to reassure him that everything was fine. He wanted to feel needed and he wanted to feel loved. He wanted to feel safe.

None of that happened.

Instead, a look of pain filled his father's face momentarily, but to him it felt like forever. His dad was staring at him now, and he suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

"Tell me, my son, do you love me?"
"Yes, Dad. I love you more than anything."

The pain on his father's face intensified. He was confused. He wanted to make that pain on his father's face go away, but what was he to do? He was the one who caused the pain, he was sure.

"Dad, I'd do anything to make you happy. Tell me what I can do to make you happy."

His father gazed dreamily at him.

"Leave me alone here, son. Go into the house and help your mother out."

With that his father turned away, and not another word was said. The boy, close to tears, went into the house and did as he was told.

That night, his father kept absolutely silent. His mother was too busy, ostensibly, to sense that something was wrong. The night was spent gazing into empty space. No stars hung in the sky. The boy, feeling completely at a loss, fell asleep crying.

He awoke to find his mother sitting at the dining table with a note in her hand, shaking unconrollably in her tears.

"I am sorry. I cannot stay here anymore. I'm suffocating." The note read.

His mother, noticing him, began to shout.

"IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS HIS LOVE, BUT YOU CAME ALONG AND TOOK IT AWAY FROM ME. GO AWAY." She shouted in frustration, reaching out and slapping the boy on the face.

It hurt.

Now that Dad was gone, who was going to love him? He had no one else to turn to except his mother.

"Ma, I love you. Please don't do this. Dad will come back."
"ALL YOU EVER DID WAS TO RUIN MY LIFE. LOOK AT YOU! UGLY, STUPID AND USELESS. DON'T TALK TO ME."

Something appeared within him, an anger which he had never felt before. He suppressed it and ran out of the house. Away to God knows where.

Dad will be back soon. I know it.

A day passed. He was sure that his father would be back by the end of the week.
A week passed. Maybe a month?
A month passed. Would he come for my birthday?
His birthday passed. I am sure he'd be back for christmas.
Christmas passed. Would he come back at all?

Day by day the boy grew, and the wound grew deeper each day. Friends in school taunted him, telling him his father was either in prison or dead. They made him cry so much, but he did not act in retaliation. He felt powerless and vulnerable.

The boy soon grew to hate his father.

Who was he to abandon me? How could he have allowed me to go through so much pain if he loved me? One day I am going to be powerful and famous, and he will come back and beg for forgiveness.

"I will make him regret his decision." He said out loud.
"Now who said I didn't regret it?" A voice came from behind him. He turned around to see a familiar figure standing before him.

It was his father.

He looked upon the man who stood right before him with contempt. He was the one who had caused him so much pain and suffering.

Make him pay.
"You hate me, don't you?"
"I love you, son."
Liar.
"I hate you."
"I deserve that for what I have done. I'm sorry."
Tears came from his father's eyes. Crocodile tears.
"Tell me why you left me then."
"I could not live here anymore. I was suffocating. Everyone else was killing me... I'm back now, aren't I?"
"You could have taken me along with you."
"I couldn't. You have your future here in this place. I could not take that away from you."
"I don't believe you."

Silence fell between the both of them.

Suddenly he felt weak. The rage inside him died. He threw himself into his father's arms, tears strewn across his face.

"I missed you so much, Dad. I love you."

-------------------------------------------

Methinks this story is kinda far-fetched. :D

Friday, March 23, 2007

I need someone.

Life has been a bitch to me this week, treating me as if I am some sort of vermin (which I am now beginning to believe myself) and taking away so many things which were so dear to me before. Alone and helpless, yeah, that is how I am feeling now. I am turning to the incessant reading of books to make myself forget about my sorrows and my worries, delving into that sweet escape which the text provided, a realm of fantasy where my sorrows did not exist. I jump into another world.

I do not know what is happening, to be honest. I had come into the week fully energized and expecting a better, brand new start to things, but apparently things have turned out otherwise. I feel so lost now, unable to make a start on anything I had planned myself to do. Endless tides of misery keep striking me and my boat is being rocked dangerously, threatening to capsize anytime. Sometimes I do wonder why I am so weak, to give others the control over me, and knowingly so.

"Love is a sacrifice", and true enough it is. By loving someone you give them the power to hurt you, you give them the means to break you down and to tear you apart. Sometimes I just hate myself for being a thinking and feeling being, a helpless human being tossed about in the sea by raging waves, unable to fend off dangers and unable to defend himself. Others would always come with promises, but I really do not know whether to believe them or not; for words, when taken seriously by one but not well kept by the other party, would eventually end in even more pain and sorrow.

I do not know what to do know, for I seem to be walking on this path alone at present. Friends are always there but they never really help much, as it is with everybody else. It is not as if I do not try, in fact, hell would freeze over before I stop trying. It is just the fact that I am unable to tide through things alone. Prayer does help, and so does His Word, but maybe its the fact that my faith is not strong enough. I seriously need someone.

I need someone to talk to me when I need it. I need someone to pull me up when I am down. I need someone who would fight alongside me, someone who would never let go. I need someone who accepts me for who I am. I need someone. Bad.

What is the purpose of living, I now think. God gave me a life for a reason, but no, that reason has blurred itself in my vision. I cannot see it. I do not know how I am going to survive like this, and it comes across to me as exasperation on my part. I do not live for this, but yet I am in its control. Bound like a string puppet I am, under the control of fingers whose presence I can feel but I am unable to see.

The week is nearly over, and I do not see anything but sorrows ahead of me in the coming week.

So this is what it has come to. Maybe Death would not be too bad?

No way. I am not giving up without a fight. I'll fight to the death, pun intended.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Back to basics.

That is the key to success. As sure as Singapore is a part of Asia, yes. That is the key phrase.

Back to basics. Start everything over again from scratch. From resetting my mentality to attending 2nd intaker lessons, everything is once again down to its very roots. I am starting everything afresh, learning again from the very basics of everything. Keeping things simple and sharp, doing what I have been trained to do instead of letting my mind run away.

Learning how to fly, with nothing else but the belief that I can do it.

Faith.

Life is unpredictable,
And yet so routine.
Life is full of trouble,
And yet you're never alone.

As beautiful as the prettiest flower,
As elegant as the passing sunset.
As foul as the darkest hour,
As complicated as a tangled net.
Life is.

Give thanks then,
For your mind and hand,
For glorious is the power,
Who created Fall and Summer,
Along with Spring and Winter.
All creation bestowed upon Man,
And yet no price we paid for our Land.

Ignorant fools we are,
With our hands His great name we mar,
Through our misdeeds and shortcomings,
Insolence and wrongdoings,
All done at times without knowing.
Repentance is of essence,
And yet no one can bear to maintain silence.

Silence is necessary,
To take things into your own hands slowly,
Ever so slowly but so surely,
Correcting our faults sincerely,
Kneeling in repentance in humility.
So repent now my friend,
For humanity is just nearing its end.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Poof.

It was my mistake and I am lucky it happened then, because it will not happen again. Just take note that I will not make life any easier for you guys in the near future, for the next two years at least.

Life would be difficult for five innings, not three.

I probably won't be playing first base either, and that guy better stop throwing walks in my face. If he does not, I'll throw something at his face then.
Period. End of story.

It takes a loser to know a winner, and I happen to be a loser right now. I can see winners, and I think they're wearing red, two-button jerseys.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Assurance

Here I am typing in another post, right at the end of the holidays which were very, very ephemeral. Much has happened over the past week, and I have been through quite a bit today I guess. Mostly, though, the March holidays was a blessing to me in many ways; it brought doubts too.

I suppose I have not let go of the expectations I have in people, as much as I want to lose it forever. To lose that trust in people would feel as if I severed a limb of mine, or maybe worse. There is this constant mental struggle within me I cannot cease. To trust, or not to trust? To believe, or not to believe? Funny how I do not find it hard to doubt others, but trusting comes with such effort. Once I lose that trust though, pain ensues. Lots and lots of pain.

I do not know why I feel this way right now. Maybe because I have been dying to talk to someone for the whole day and I find no one to talk to? I just feel quite dejected right now, and I am quite sure it is not anything to do with the reopening of school. The fact that school is reopening tomorrow is not helping much though.

I know there are many people there for me, and I know that I have great friends, but somehow I feel so alone today. Maybe it is a phase? I certainly hope it is, and I certainly hope that this phase would pass soon, for I feel so helpless. I need to throw my burdens off my shoulders; my heart is heavy and my face is downcast. I need someone to talk to very desperately.

I am one who needs a lot of assurance, I think, and I do not think I am getting much.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Read this on Eileen's blog. It helped, thanks.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?

When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.
The music won't last.



When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower

Hear the music
Before the song is over.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Compund adjectives and two movies with dad.

Woah, holidays has been quite awesome for me these two days (not really including training, where I took a few knocks here and the and everywhere and sprained my abysmally idiotic ankle, leading to me having to sit out of training), considering the fact that I watched two awesome movies within the span of a miserly two days (and also considering the fact that the previous movie I watched was "Blood Diamond" at the beginning of the year, and that the movie before that was "Superman Returns" at around June 2006).

I did learn quite a bit from the movie "The History Boys", and not so much from the movie "300" (which was probably aimed at getting hot-blooded passionate young men to go to fight for their country), but all in all it was awesome all the same.

Watching "The History Boys" made me totally regret not offering H2 History as a subject for A-levels. It portrays history in such a manner that it was no longer a subject, but something alive and kicking within the boys who studied it. Hmm, maybe not taking history would not be so bad, since the chances of finding classmates as unique, open and sophisticated as such in dear Singapore would certainly be like asking for gold in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Not trying to offend anyone, but that is just the way things are. From today on I shall make use of compound adjectives and subjunctives to counter everyday happenings. This is so unboring.

"300", meanwhile, was a movie filled with 300 mighty 8-packed men cutting down entire armies of Persian losers. Period.

Oh, yeah I went out yesterday with 3 of my primary school classmates. I never really realized how much I missed them until yesterday! I wonder why the past is slowly integrating itself into the present for me. Primary school classmates, secondary school classmates, team CH softball, I do miss them loads. I wonder when would be the next time I see these people?

The juniors had a great game against OPS today in which they knocked down a pillar and bulldozed the building standing so tall right before them. Simple, sweet.

I wonder what will happen for the rest of my SRC matches, I happen to have four more in the coming two days and I'm dying to kick some ass. Ahhhhh why can't time go faster now.

17th March 2007
HCI v TPJC
HCI v ACS(I)

18th March 2007
HCI v NJC
HCI v VJC (omgomgomg :D)

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Short story..

Rain pummelled the windscreen as he drove down the winding mountain roads at deadly speed. The trees at the roadside were trees no more, but a dizzying blur of green lining his peripheral vision. Occasional fleeting glances of passing cars were often accompanied by a muffled sound of car horns. He certainly was going too fast, and probably putting other people at risk, but time was of essence.

"Oh Lord, please. Please let me get there in time, Lord. Please. I need to be there with her." He repeated inaudibly under his breath, silently hoping for a miracle from God above. He knew there was little hope for him to get there in time, but what was he to do? He could only do his best and nothing else, and he felt entirely helpless then. He stepped on the gas pedal as hard as he could and sped on, the roar of the car's engine filling his ears.

----------------------------------------

Somewhere not too far away, a woman lay on a hospital bed, suffering from severe injuries inherited from a traffic accident not too long ago. Her family gathered around her, positively emanating sorrow and noisy with the sound of weeping. Her mother wailed endlessly, blaming every single thing possible for her plight, even God.

She knew they loved her, yes, but no one in that room loved her enough and she was sure of it. They would forget her existence after some time. The pain, both physically and spiritually, was unbearable. Maybe it would not be such a bad thing to die after all. She would be in heaven. She would be in Paradise.

There was one person she wanted to see for one last time though...

-----------------------------------------

His thoughts ran astray as he continued speeding down the road. What if he wasn't there when she needed it most? What if he was too late? The thoughts came in a flurry, giving him no rest from perpetual worry. What would life be like without her around? Would he still be able to carry on?

He snaked through the mild traffic and blazed past every single vehicle on the road. There still was some hope left.

-----------------------------------------

She could feel the end coming. Death was so near she could feel Him somewhere around in the room; trudging warily about and getting ready to pounce when the time came. Fear gripped her like an iron vice. No, please, no. I want to see him again before I die. God, please.

For a moment it felt like heaven was so near. All the pain was gone, and Death was there no more. Evil thoughts ceased to exist within her, and she suddenly felt so...

Alive.

A jolt of pain brought her back into the room filled with the sounds of sorrow and the moans of melancholy. She began gasping in pain, and the people around cringed in fear. Every gasp cut them in the heart and every jerk in pain scarred them emotionally.

She could feel that pain, and how she wished that he would never see her in such a pathetic state.

----------------------------------------

The hospital was not too far away now. No one had called with bad news so there was still hope. Things looked much more hopeful now that he was getting closer to his destination, and he proceeded to speed up further.

Which was a bad move on his part.

He had to swerve suddenly to avoid crashing into a couple of jaywalkers, which led to him crashing his car on a nearby tree. He was not seriously injured, but suddenly all hope had evaporated. How was he going to get to the hospital?

"Certainly not by ambulance." He muttered, and proceeded to run in the direction of the hospital.

--------------------------------------

There she lay, breathless and in pain, just wishing that she would die there and then. The pain was unbearable, and all the weeping around her did not do much help.

"God, please take me home. Please. Let me leave this place of suffering. Take me into Your arms and hold me." She whispered in silent prayer.

--------------------------------------

The hospital was now in sight, and he continued sprinting towards it, ignoring all physical fatigue. He was going to see her, and that was all that mattered. He literally crashed into the counter and asked for directions to Ward 508, after which he hurriedly sped up the emergency staircase. He did not have time for the lift.

After some grueling physical torture on his part, he finally reached the fifth floor.

--------------------------------------

She could feel Death standing beside her now, His icy breath stung her skin as He bent over her, ready to take her life. She braced herself and said a final prayer.

"Now take me."

--------------------------------------

He burst through the door of the ward and found despair.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

I really do not know what to type, considering the fact that I have just had two matches today and that my brain feels like its been fried a hundred times over. The first two days of SRC has passed and I guess there's nothing much to write about it. Its held in the Kallang field beside the National Stadium, instead of the usual Padang (>.< I'm not really a fan of kallang field and a TOTAL fan of padang)

I guess I did not do as well as I was capable of in the match against RJ, sadly, but now I have a rough gauge of what to expect. Defense-wise, I have almost everything under control so far, and we will be able to control their offense, given that stupid errors aren't made. Against OFS, let's just say I kinda screwed up.

It is the offense that I'm worried about, and my batting totally sucked today. Seems like there's this mental barrier when we go up to bat. I have to learn how to cross it. We, have to learn how to cross it.

3 full-day trainings await me. My mattress beckons with such alluring beauty, oh. Sleep awaits. I have to wake up at 6 for 3 days >.<

What difference is this from normal school, I ask you.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Today..

I'm in an almost perpetual state of hiatus from my blog, considering the fact that I post about once a week (for my case, its either I post a quality post or nothing at all) and I rarely do post proper quality posts. Sigh, standard's going down the drain, as can be seen from my pathetic (but 110% true) 24/50 for my first GP essay. I don't know what to do with my English writings, because apparently I have no aptitude at writing expository and argumentative essays. None at all.

I totally miss narrative essays.

I miss the freedom of thought brought along by the "one-word topic" in O levels, and the unrestricted style of writing so unique to the question type.

So much for a high standard of English. I can't even be flexible with my language.

Anyway, as you guys may know today's the last day of school for Term 1. One word to describe term 1? Flash. Its the March holidays already and it feels like yesterday that I was playing ball in Chiang Mai. I wonder if that's good or bad? Realization has dawned upon me, (I'm pretty sure it dawned upon lots of people) and wow, 1/8 of my JC life gone and I haven't really done much. Awesome.

Today has really been a fruitful day for me, and I learnt so much. Totally cool la, and now I have gained a 'brother'! Haha and I officially got my friend back! You never know what the tide might bring in with the coming of each day :D

Sunday's RJ match. I don't know what to expect, really. All I know, though, is that I'll do my best for the team. No compromise.

HWACHONG!!!

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Who's the murderer? Murder redefined.

The word murder, as seen by the common man, might be defined as the intentional, or maybe even purposeful act of taking away someone else's life.

Matthew 5:21-22
"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell. (Raca: An Aramaic term for expressing contempt.)

Ever heard of the phrase, "It's the thought that counts"? Indeed it is. Murder, in fact, is not defined by the taking of a life. To even think about killing someone is already a form of murder. Anger and conceitedness will result in equal punishment as murder, and so will the hurting of somebody's soul. One is able to murder another person's heart and soul intentionally, and maybe even rob him of all hope. To drive another person into such a state would be an act of blatant disregard to the other party, and to God. Never forget, Man was made in the image of God, and no person has the right to hurt or insult others.

No person living on the face of this Earth has the right to label others as fools, or anything else, for what rights do we possess? We are all equal, and no matter how much I hate the other party, I have no right to insult that person.

Matthew 5:23-24
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

When you have been offended, please. Do not react as if everyone owed you a living. Let not the words of contempt enter your head, for calling someone else an idiot is calling God an idiot, for Man was made in His image. Have you not ever offended enyone in your entire lifetime? Live and let live, forgive and forget. Do not succumb to even the slightest bit of anger, and treat everyone else as you would treat the Lord in person.

I seriously need to print this post out and paste it in my heart.

Do not be quick to judge, or rather, do not judge at all. You have no right to, and you have no power over others. Humans love to assume power over others, but no. It is a sin and it breeds based upon the animal instincts intrinsic in human nature. We have to fight it. Unconditional love is key, and I certainly do hope that more people will join me in this fight. I am strong when God is with me, but I would certainly be stronger with people around to support me.

I realize that I have matured much over these two months. I think more, I love God more, I devote more of my time to Him. I still have lots of room for improvement, and I will continue to improve. I have to learn to be happy in solitude and loneliness, for He is there when nobody else is, and He will definitely bring me out of the ordeal.

I am eternally grateful to Him for being there, and also to those who are there for me presently. It is truly a blessing, and I treasure it very much.

Now's the time for me to rock the house, with God of course. :)

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Fall apart! I want to build a new one with God!

I guess the new chapter hasn't really begun yet. I am still in the process of crushing this stupid structure into a million little pieces, and I am making good progress. I certainly will defenestrate a piece of it when I'm done, for this ultimate buffoon of a structure has caused me enough trouble already.

It is the start of something totally new, and I picked this path. Its feels surreal, almost like I'm being born again as a totally different person. I know I can do it, and I will do it. It is such a beautiful thing, to be able to utilize this newfound confidence in God and myself. For why should I suffer silently? It was killing me, and yet I was doing nothing about it.

I read from "Our Journey" (Mar.Apr.May 2007 March 2nd "driving over a cliff") about dealing with the problems in life. I realized how true it was, and how important it was for me to take hold of life's steering wheel. I thank God that I am holding that steering wheel right now and driving myself away from the edge of that cliff which I so nearly drove into.

Feeling especially peaceful and accomplished now. I have done something for myself. I have achieved. I will do my best, and God will do the rest, whatever it may be.

And if I stand,
Firm to this day,
Nay it is by my strength,
Nor it is by my greatness.
Its all because of Love,
Its all because of You.
Helpless would I be,
Unable to stand firm,
Thank you, Love.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Let it fall, I'll build another one with God.

Talk about things falling apart and me trying to return them to their rightful places, I have been trying to pass that test since donkey years ago. No, this time I'm taking action, and I can totally feel that it is the best decision I can really make. Awesome decision, in fact, albeit one which involves letting everything fall apart. Maybe I'll pick up one of the pieces and defenestrate it.

I shall start building everything up again from scratch, brick by brick, layer by layer, and I shall build my life up on stronger foundations this time. It might not be able to withstand the forces of nature, even if its a lot stronger, but at least next time I will know what things I should not build my life upon. God is teaching me a lesson, and I will do my best.

I trust people, and I don't ever want to lose this trust. It might bring about pain and suffering, I might end up getting hurt so deeply inside, but I will not lose my trust in people. Stupid? Let me be. Disappointments will come, but love will pay off in the end, and I truly mean the freaking end when I die.

Loving unconditionally is the true goal of the Christian, and I will embark on this journey. Alone? Let it be. I will continue to love, I will continue on this road that I am on, and if anyone were to hurt me, I'll forge on for I know that God is there with me. If God's will is such, I will. Away from sins, away from that selfish love that used to be. Overambitious? Let me be.

Melancholy has done its part. Now it is time for me to take control over things, time for me to remove these things from my life and time to reorganize myself. Running for council will be my first big step in this new life I'm starting. The previous chapter had come to an immature end, but I shall let it be. No point crying over spilled milk, I'll go get the cow to give me another cup. I shall begin an entirely new chapter now, and I will make it a much more colourful chapter.

I shall work hard towards that goal of mine and I shall not relent. Empty promises shall not disappoint me, and neither loving friends nor foes can hurt me. I wrote this poem, hope it will be of help to you guys reading this.

Oh wonder,
This thing called love.
It binds your arms,
It pins you down.
It seizes your heart,
It steals your mind.
It throws you down,
Down into the pit of gloom.

Oh wonder,
This thing called love.
It clears your burdens,
It frees your soul.
It lightens your heart,
It gives you hope.
It lifts you up,
Up into the wondrous havens.

Oh wonder,
This thing called love.
Two extremes it holds,
Bane and boon of Man.

Impossible it may seem in times of need,
That love can help with all your cares.
Difficult, you may find it to believe,
In the love that resolves all your woes.

Believe, my friend, for you will see,
The wonders that love will reveal to thee.
Strong, you'll be, and you will find,
The power within that'll take you far.

So love, my friend, without restraint,
And you'll have victory in your hand.