Sheep happens.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Equation Talk.

I have been bombarded with so much mind-boggling examples and theories of science and math that I think I should try to apply some of them to my life. NOT. All these blabber about finding out the workings of nature and the so-called "finer points" of the world around us, they seriously are NOT of interest to me at all.

Why in the world do I need to learn about how fast a particle hits the ground? Just let the abcdxyz particle hit the ground and everything will eventually settle into equilibrium! Calculate, calculate. What use are Newton's laws when a man needs to find a job so that he can feed his family? What use is finding out the number of atoms in a cup of drink? Just let me drink the abcdxyz drink and everything will disappear into my bottomless pit!

s=ut+1/2at^2, v^2=u^2+2as,v=u+at, whatever. Methinks these equations don't matter the least bit. No, not at all. Let me tell you about equations which DO matter.

H+SP=VHH

Human + Squarepants = Very Happy Human

H+G=U

Human + God = Ultraman!

H+F=JH

Human + Friends = Joyful Human

You get me. These things DO matter, and these are what people should be learning in school instead of useless physics equations and chemistry theories. The definition of success in life is certainly not anything related to scientific theories and laws. For all you know, I could be an uneducated person, but I still can be successful in life. Which leaves me wondering why academic education is still taking place. Morals should play a considerably larger part in education instead of mathematics.

Now for the last equation of the day!

J+G+R=PJ

Jo + God + Rockers = Pure Joy/ kazillion smiley units

Thursday, February 22, 2007

AWAKE!

A state of perpetual suffering seems to be the equilibrium in my life now. I am physically able when I am spiritually and mentally hurt and vice versa.

Therefore I conclude that my mental and spiritual state are inversely proportional to my physical ability.

That's not the point. By the way, I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about life. Images of my "future" keeps popping up in my head. Blind teacher (yes I'm losing eyesight), man lying on his deathbed, things as such. I wouldn't know if these would come true, but these images in my head seems real enough. As I always say, "Some people find it better to be prepared." I shall prepare myself for the worst at the beginning of each day, and at night I'd find out just how lucky I am to be alive.

Case closed, problem solved. Thank you so much to God and the mighty rocker!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

dream on?

The situation now is such; the more I unload from my garbage truck, the more rubbish seems to load itself onto my pathetic truck. It is difficult, really, when I get ambushed by merciless enemies as I walk down the Road of Life. I wonder what I would have done if I was alone. I probably would have lost my sanity (if I haven't already) to these challenges.

I wonder what I would be like now, if I didn't have God in my life? I might not even be living now. It is a constant challenge, to try to keep to my faith. I might be inspired one day to dedicate my life to God, but how long would it last? It is a thoroughly tough job to be a human, and it is an even tougher job being a Christian. Suffering, though, is good for the heart and soul. A muscle becomes stronger after it recovers from a tear, and it is also such for the heart and soul.

I know that I do not deserve all the things that I have now, no matter good or bad. I am unworthy, like, totally unworthy.

What use are dreams when all I ever get are disappointments? What use are dreams when people around you don't respect it? What use are dreams when it always ends up being broken?

"Like a rose, trampled on the ground."

As if I didn't have enough to worry about.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Awake?

It has indeed been quite a while since I updated, and thus I will attempt this post to be a really long one!

This CNY break has given me much space and time to think over my faults and misdeeds, and also my merits! I now understand how lucky I am to have a class such as mine, and even though I wish that things would remain this way at least for the next two years, I know I will have to accept changes. It is necessary for life to be filled with pain and suffering.

I draw strength from Him, and that strength is bestowed upon me to cope with the problems that I go through in life. It is no point for me lamenting and squatting down at the corner wallowing in self-pity. I have to be strong, and I have to live life the way He wants it. I have to take my religion seriously, for I now know the importance of good and sturdy bilateral relations with Him. He freely gives, and He freely takes away. I just have to be content with what I have.

I have to learn to ignore my own feelings, for the good of the people around me. It will be a tough job, a daunting task indeed, but I shall prevail over this obstacle. I have to learn to depend on Him, and at the same time putting my best into life. If 110% effort is what it takes to stay afloat in Hwa Chong, I shall do it. Life has been a mere chasing of the wind for me recently, and as is for most Singaporeans in today's society. Money, status, and luxuries, what would it bring?

Which is partly why I have decided to go into the education industry. What are we teaching our children nowadays? To become lifeless money-making machines, living a life based on the satisfaction of carnal pleasures, and living life based on impulse? Is this what advancement in humanity has done us? Driving ourselves to the path of self-destruction?

I really do not mind living a short but meaningful life, really. I'd be willing to die, as long as I have made a difference in someone else's life. Let my existence be of service to mankind, no matter how minuscule my contribution is. I want to change lives. I cannot just sit back and watch the next generation fall into oblivion. I have seen the effects, and I cannot let it go on.

I'd better start doing things right, for in truth, I really do not have much time left. My vision blurs occasionally, and that is truly an ominous sign. My glaucoma must have been insidiously working within me, and I know that sooner or later, my sight has to go. I want to see you. I don't ever want to lose sight of you. It pains me to know that one day I won't be able to see you through my own eyes. I don't want to go blind. I want to be able to see you for as long as I live.

So much for a long post, so emo now I can't continue.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

State of confusion.

This Valentine's day has had the word melancholy in bold, underlined, and highlighted. I know what's happening to me, really. It is just the fact that I am still not prepared to tell anyone about it. I do feel left out, yeah, and I do feel like I am entirely not suitable for this. I don't know what to do, really.

I bruise easily.

I feel like breaking down once again, and nothing is helping. Only one thing can solve the problem as I see it now, but I will not speak of it, for it would be too much to ask for. The key is so near, yet so far, and I cannot bring myself to do it. There would be that risk of hurting others in the process.

I am sure that immaturity on my part is blatantly showing, and I know that I have been the cause for displeasure amongst many. I apologize, but I have to be sorrier for myself. I just cannot stand the fact that I have not been able to fit in at all. I have this bad habit of withdrawing myself, but I guess it doesn't really matter. What matters is why I have been withdrawing myself, that's what I want to know.

I have been loving selfishly. My eyes have been dimmed and my vision blurred, and I do not know which path to take. This feeling is so surreal. From my conversations with the lamp post today, to be selfless is the only way out. I'd want her to be happy, no doubt, and I'd rather be the one suffering silently. I see no point in loving so selfishly. I'd just bring more suffering to myself and the people around me. I have to learn to come to terms with myself.

It never began, and it has to end.

Sometimes I just feel like crashing and burning. Why did God give me heaven? There must be a someone else should be in my place, someone who could fit in and be happy where he is, someone who would feel at home. The lamp post knew what I was thinking then, and somehow it seems that it understood me more than I do. I need a serious break from life. I have to stop faking those smiles, I have to stop living in self-delusion because it will not come to a good end.

Sometimes I feel like letting go of everything and giving up. Sometimes I feel like leaving without saying goodbye. I feel like I'm a burden to everyone around, and even though you might not mind, I mind. You guys don't deserve to carry the burden that I am now, and no one deserves it.

The time comes when you feel like everything's falling apart, and it is now. Whatever I had in the past is now gone, and I cannot pick up the pieces. I feel entirely lost.

I try to forget, and I try to be unfeeling of myself when it comes, but I just cannot do it. Withdrawal was my only weapon, and it certainly is not the best weapon there is.

And she vanished into thin air, just like the passing wind, without even saying goodbye.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Angsty but happy.

I am not a believer of existentialism. I do not decide my own future and I never will, and I have to bring myself to accept that fact. I have to learn to trust and obey, to forgive and forget, and to live life the ideal way.

I am one who lives on impulse (not the physics one), and this impulse is getting me nowhere. I become indecisive, I come across as rash in action and I live a life rooted in feelings. My emotions are very unstable, which is why I have laid back to attain a rational cure for my personal emo-ness by retrospection.

I have great friends around me, and I really do appreciate all their care and concern, even though I may not really show it. I have a great family, and I really do appreciate everything they have done for me, even though I may come across as insolent and ignorant of them. I do have many awesome people around me, and I must say that I love you all.

I'm not saying it because Valentine's is tomorrow.

Talk about Valentine's, I don't know how to feel. I feel really lost when I walk around in shopping malls and I see couples walking around everywhere, but then again, what's in it for me? I would probably be spending too much time in softball, and the other party will feel neglected, and then it'll be byebye. That is my predicted relationship scenario, so I won't bother myself with it. I'll just be a sitting duck playing softball. Whether or not a swan comes, I'll leave it all to the One.

Really looking forward to tomorrow, mostly because the few of us are going to chill out. Awesome. Now the class has a singles' club.

I never expected 6G to be this way (:

Life has really been a roller coaster ride for me nowadays, with me being emo and all. Things are beginning to look much better, but I wouldn't be too optimistic. Presently, the glass is neither half-full nor half-empty for me, but I am trying very hard to be optimistic. Of course, everything would be with His help.

I have been drifting away from Him recently, and I believe this fact has been very obvious in certain aspects. My joy is gone, my spirit feels drained, and my mind is weak. I have to change, and I will. I'll begin by praying more. I seriously haven't been praying properly, and I haven't been reading my Bible. I haven't had the time to reflect, and I have stopped trying to lead a better spiritual life.

Oh boy, am I thankful I didn't train today. I feel so much better now, after chilling out and having the time to reflect.

I have to chill out more! :D

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Tired.

I guess that sums up how I have been feeling this week. No, seriously. Physical exhaustion plays the least part in what I am going through now. I feel wasted and exhausted spiritually and psychologically.

I have been dedicating my life to the wrong cause, wasting my nerve and sinew away on entirely ephemeral existences.

Haven't had the mood, nor the time, to update. Things just haven't been going my way, and I have been making things much worse for myself. Where have all the dedication and faith gone? I cannot forgive myself for letting these things go, and I will not forgive myself until the day I recover them.

Recovery is a painful process, but I thank you guys for making it feel less painful for me.

I am eternally grateful.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Crap.

This is a direct apology to whoever it may concern or will be concerned, because I am presently in such a miserable, commiserable state and I will certainly offend some people along the way.

I am being severely affected by a few major problems presently (and probably in the future too), and these problems would seriously cause me to be more unstable. Really. If I wasn't such a loser I would probably be thinking of ways to solve these problems, but I AM A LOSER so I'm here dirtying my blog with another dose of immaturity and stupidity.

Here I am, giving my life away to a cause which certainly would be lost, desperate for a glimpse of hope. I am dedicating my fucking life and what does everyone else do? Sit around doing nothing? My love for the game has brought me thus far, but what good would it do? I am but another chess piece. What the hell can a pawn do against one whole freaking chessboard? Screw it. I'd be better off quitting training if the others aren't putting their effort in. Team game, my ass.

Hwachong... I don't know. I never really expected it to be this way. The people around, the routines, the life... I just simply find it hard to fit in. I keep pretending that I'm fine, but I am seriously having lots of problems with life in Hwachong. I cannot cope, I cannot relax, I cannot live life the way I used to, I am not able to achieve self-fulfilment. I may be able to accomplish many things, but no, I will not feel satisfaction.

I certainly hope that I am the only one in school who feels this way, because it would be such a pitiful state to be in.

In the end, it's me again, taking all the shit.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Changes

Talk about updating, haven't done anything in a while. Getting all worked up and emo about Hwa Chong softball nowadays, so much so that we had a team talk on it. Hope the team talk would work. I seriously cannot stand watching people lazing around and doing nothing to help their own sorry asses because they are really not good enough yet.

Change. Change.

'O' levels coming out this Friday, hope there will not be any changes (except for my ripcurl pencil case and wallet)

Good luck everyone, my laptop battery running out D: