Sheep happens.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Sorrow

Sorrow comes through a sense of loss,
Or even the feeling of being incapable to achieve.
Sorrow comes from weakness,
And yet it can come from strength unbound.
Sorrow is a gift from God to humanity.
Adversity breeds toughness,
And the tough succeed.
Sorrow brings Joy along with it,
As he sits down with you at your table,
And he leaves without.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

...

Dance for sorrow,
Sing for grief,
Chant with hearts so hollow,

Listen to the rustle of the leaf.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Unbound

He surveyed the scene which lay before him; bare, untrodden, entirely devoid of any sign of life. It was an inferno and there they were, burning right in the depths of it with no means to get out. He skimmed the horizons for the imaginary oasis, hoping desperately for another string of hope to hold on to, hoping desperately even for a fata morgana which would at least lift his spirits marginally. Anything was better than dying without having the chance to fight back. He thought of the family he had left behind in the farmlands, how he had selfishly left them to pursue his own dreams of crossing the Sahara, and how he would not be able to get back to them alive. Tears materialized, streaking the corners of his eyes.

"Hey Cart, looks like Lady Luck's taking some pity on us, look what I've found." Cassie whispered from directly behind him, making him wince with shock. He did not hear her approach. He hurriedly proceeded to wipe away the tears with his sleeve as Cassie proceeded to stand beside him on the top of the sandhill. She gazed at the endless mountains of sand which plagued their crossing. "We've got ourselves a bit of mineral water. Hell if I know how these bottles got there, but who cares?" She took a sip from the bottle she was holding in her hands and pointed to a small pile of identical bottles on the ground, "Not much, but it'll last us a few more days."

Thankful for the sudden reappearance of hope, he faked a smile and turned to face Cassie, wishing silently for his emotions not to show. All his efforts to conceal his emotions went to waste. Cassie had immediately seen through the mask and picked up every trace of misery in his face, as if she had been specially trained to do so. "Cart, I know this is difficult. You're never certain whether you'd make it through the day, whether you'll be able to go home, whether you'll be able to see you family and friends again." Cassie looked at him in the eye. Her eyes were bright, reassuring, comforting. "I'm going through that too. The both of us would have to be strong if we are to survive this hell of a desert. No pun intended." Carter wished he could take refuge in those eyes of hers, hide in there and never face the world again. For a moment Cassie looked otherworldly, as if the intricate complications of life could not take a toll on her, as if she was invincible. Then the reality of the situation came down upon him, and she was Cassie again. The both of them were in mortal danger, and the water supply was gradually diminishing. The water levels in the bottles were a rough gauge to the amount of time that they had to get themselves out of the desert, and it wasn't much.

They embraced, hoping for a miracle. Both of them silently prayed for deliverance, or at least a quick death if they were to die, so that they would not have to suffer more.

"Hey Cart, even if we die in this desert, we'll both go to heaven together." It was as if Cassie had shot him through the heart. Cassie had apparently noticed, as she switched from black humour mode into optimistic mode. She twisted her face into a reassuring smile. "There's a reason we're still alive in this bloody desert, Cart. God has his reasons. Maybe he wants to see us fight before he delivers us from all this bullshit. Maybe he's testing us to see whether we are worth the trouble. Don't falter. All we can do now is to show Him that we are worth all that hassle."

"What if all he's trying to do is just to punish us by making us suffer before we die?" Carter retorted.

"Then we show him how hard we are to kill."

With those words still ringing in his ears, Carter turned away from the endless sea of sand and, for the first time in this seemingly hopeless journey, picked up his backpack with much determination to survive this test from God. Guided by Cassey's watch (for the rough positioning of the sun) and calculations written on the sand, they marched towards the uncertain, fearing nothing.

A gust of wind blew, and the numbers disappeared into the thick of the fiery sand. The skeleton of a camel gleamed in melancholy as the travellers trudged on the ever-changing landscape.

Sandstorms were usually seasonal, but as they walked on, sandstorms occurred frequently. The travellers were fortunately well-equipped with the necessary equipment to weather out sandstorms, so surviving one was not a problem, but everytime they felt that it was safe enough to travel again they would look out and find that the whole landscape had been transformed drastically. It was as if God had, on purpose, shaped impossible mountains to block their way out. They did not falter in the face of these difficulties. Whenever one of them felt discouraged or weary, the other would be a source of comfort and warmth (not as if it isn't hot enough in the desert, but you know what I mean), and they would resume their march in better spirits. Had circumstances allowed it, the pair would have had a blissful marriage, and this imaginary marriage slid further away with the passing of every day. Water supplies were running low. They only had enough water to last a day.

The both of them spoke less and less, as speaking would rob them of the little energy they had. They, however, stole meaningful glances at each other regularly. Every time their eyes met, they found reassurance in each other's eyes, and they would move on. They worked their way up sandhills and giant mounds of sand, always working their eyes along the horizon and hoping to catch a glimpse of green.

Green never came.

There they lay on top of their empty backpacks in the freezing cold of the Sahara night, holding hands, staring out into space. Constellations hung in the void of the sky, filling their hearts with an unprecedented feeling of awe. All the despair was gone, and it was as if the stars had relieved them of the burden of life and suffering, leaving them with nought but unladen hearts. They knew they were going to die soon, for their throats felt like sandpaper and they could speak no more. The stars smiled upon them as they embraced. Probably for the last time, Carter thought. Looking up into the sky with the last shimmer of hope in her, Cassie saw something which did not belong to the world in which they were in at present, gleaming in the night sky.

It was an aeroplane.

She jerked in elation and hurried Carter to make a fire. Hobbling in pain from the miles of walking, they worked as efficiently as men in a factory. The fire was soon up. Both travellers watched hopefully as the aeroplane buried itself in the depths of the darkness.

--------------------------------------------

"Hey dude! That's a fire right there! Send an SOS to HQ now, looks like we've got some people needing rescue. Hurry!"

--------------------------------------------

The men drove out of the city and onto the desert. From the coordinates sent by the aeroplane pilots, two people were out in the desert and very much in need of some rescuing, and they were only 1 kilometer away.

True enough, they found a damaged tent within the first 5 minutes of their search. Glad to have found the survivors, the captain quickly made his way to the tent, shouting words of encouragement for the people inside and hoping to relieve them of their despair.

As he entered the tent, a dreadfully beautiful sight met his eyes.

He saw two corpses lying inside the tent, hands held tight, and it was as if death could not do them part.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

IDEAS for blog

I know Sunday night is the worst time to update my blog, but updating is better than not updating at all because apparently readership has gone down by an average of 10 everyday. My writings have certainly been deteriorating with my very apparent lack of effort in posts and also the bromidic topics which I utilise recently. All my supposed "brilliance" has now been turned into homiletic nonsense which fails to gain the interest of any reader who happens to stumble upon my blog by chance (thank God for these people that I am still having a marginally active tagboard) and bothers to read a few words.

So PLEASE, reader (if there is one), give me some IDEAS. Story titles, tips, maybe even essay topics (which I will only write with personal discretion or when I feel obliged to [so when I owe you a favor maybe I could pay it back with a piece of writing?]). Story titles will be the most ideal. Give me the ideas through any means which will cause me no harm (e.g. tagboard or sms -.-, not a punch in the face if you want a story about a boxer, no pun intended).

Next update is due tomorrow morning. Fun eh?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

MSN hiatus

Anything, message me or drop me a call sometime. +6596123117. These days you would probably have to give me a good reason to go online before I really would go online.

Another blog update session in school! Well I haven't been going online nowadays, and I'm not planning to do so anytime soon. Just so you guys know, I'm trying to take control of my life because with a computer, I'm the type that'll get stuck staring at the screen and doing nothing for hours on end waiting for someone to start a conversation with me. I probably would also end up surfing mlb.com for hours and hours, which is not very good for me and my studies. I have just bought my new set of TYS from the school bookshop, about time I got down to doing something about my studies. My preparations for the block test begins right now. No more lazing off, no more of those lectures in which I am not mentally present. School has to be productive for me, and my time spent at home would have to be spent wisely as well. Play must be reduced to the bare minimum (as softball is already taking a large chunk of my time) and hey, there's not much time to do anything else (especially when I'm in the habit of reading).

Everyone's probably tired of all my homiletic and apparently "philosophical" writings. Sadly, though, that is just about the only genre(s) that I am able to write more fluently, with the painful exception of the one-word topic. I love to read and write stories (if I have the time) and come to think of it, I haven't written a story in months. Someone suggest me a topic through the tagboard? It would be a nice change if I was able to write a story instead of all these draggy monologues. Someone said I could get all these posts I have and make a book out of it. Heck of a boring book it would be. Maybe not. Maybe I'll gain a bit of confidence when my GP essays reach 35/50 (never).

I found some strength lately, this drive that has been absent for ages past (which apparently is only 6 months) and I do feel much better now.

Write in again soon, break's only an hour long and I haven't had the chance to eat anything yet.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Mysterious Monday

MONDAY again, and I just started my week with a GP essay session. Bad start, but I feel that this week is going to be a great week. I don't know why though. Just a hunch, but something in me tells me that my hunches are mostly worthy of some trust.

The weekend was largely better than weekends past, probably due to the cheer in which we ended our season with, and probably also due to the exciting prospect of the season to come. Training is going to resume soon and we are going to make every single one of them count. I guess that this is one of the few days of enlightenment that I have dotting my calendar. One day in which I feel very much at peace with the world and living without turbulence. Amazing how point of view can change your style of living, be it a day or even a lifetime.

After a long period of useless stoning, I have finally overcome that inertia and finally started reading again. This time its "Lightning" by Dean Koontz, halfway through it just after two days. I cannot wait to read "Winter Solstice" and "Picture Perfect", both of them lying patiently on my bookshelf at home, waiting for me to devour it word by word.

Apparently the holidays are just less than two weeks away from today. Realisation again. Time is indeed travelling with insiduous velocity, unknowingly aging me and devouring me. Soon I'll be a dead man, for in this world, time really flies. Just like how a boy transforms into a man within two pages of a book, but unlike books, there's no turning back to start from the beginning. Every advancement in life must be greeted and devoured with the fullest enjoyment. Every depression will pass, and you just have to live with it. Brooding over things will only make matters worse for yourself.

Breathe. Let it pass.

It will, eventually.

Five months elapsed. Life has been unkindly sometimes, hopeful the next moment. I have been thoughtful sometimes, empty the mext moment. Five months, rid with scores of ups and downs, testing me so many times. Many a time I failed miserably, more often than not. Suffering has its limits, and what I have gone through is nothing but a phase in life. This, too, will pass.

Happiness will find me some day. It will. As surely as sorrow will pass, happiness will come. Happiness, though, will pass. It goes on in a cycle, but aye, I will celebrate the coming of joy. I, too, will mourn for the coming of sorrow. Tragedy will come sooner or later, as would elation. I shall be thankful for happiness to come, and thankful for the sorrow yet to befall me. For I believe that everything works towards the ultimate good. Adversity breeds toughness, and the tough succeed. And survive. It is only a matter of wanting to be the best you can be, and to be willing to go through the process of self-improvement.

Come to think of it, there are so many movies coming up (or already come out) such as Spiderman 3, Pirates of the Carribean, Shrek 3 (o.O), whatever, whatever. I wonder when I would have the time to watch all of them? Block Tests are coming (apoplogies for breaching this taboo topic), I have to go out of the country, I have training to go to. Sure, everybody has 24 hours, but that's never enough, is it?

If only I can stop lazing around wasting those few precious hours I have.

'I guess what I'm trying to say is...life is full of wonders and surprises. Some of them are nasty surprises, yeah, and some days are as dark as the inside of the average politician's head. But just the same, there are moments that make me realize we're all here for some reason, enigmatic as it might be. It's not meaningless. If it was meaningless, there'd be no mystery. It'd be as dull and clear and lacking in mystery as the mechanism of a Mr. Coffee Machine.'

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Ending -> Beginning

Tomorrow is the last game of the 2007 Nationals 'A' Division Softball for Hwa Chong. It has been a journey filled with some ups and countless downs, and it indeed is an achievement for us to have gone so far and improved so much within the span of a mere 4 months. We have travelled the beaten path, and now we see our temporary destination: a prideful and befitting exit, in which we can put a close to the season with our heads up high in the air, knowing that it was a battle well fought. Others know not of the fight, but of the results only. Let them be. We know that the battle was an unforgettable experience for all of us, and that is all that matters.

The satisfaction at the end of a battle is sweet.

With the closing of the 2007 season, the battle for 2008 begins. With an ending comes a new beginning, and another fresh battle to fight. Another shot at glory. The battle begins tomorrow, right after the match. New plans, renewed conviction, renewed desire as a team to perform to our utmost best, HC Softball 07/08 will be the batch to do it again.

Today, we fight for tomorrow.

P.S. Congratulations to the girls' team for having clinched the gold! Awesome (:

Monday, May 07, 2007

Mundane Mondays are boring

How I wish that every Monday could be a Marvelous Monday, maybe even a mediocre Monday, instead of a Mundane Monday. I don't know, maybe I'm just tired of what I'm seeing in school everyday or something (men are very visual creatures). Nothing really seems to interest me the least bit (maybe blogging does) and my school days are basically quite stoned. Well I guess it'll be best for me to get used to it eh?

Today's Mundane Monday topic is on freedom.

What is freedom? As far as I'm concerned, a majority of people today do not have to fight for freedom against tyrannical colonial masters who dictate their every move. No, the freedom that people today are fighting for is one for a more personal outcomes. Children rebel against their parents and go against authority in order to satisfy their desire for the freedom in living their own lives. Terrorists carry out suicide bombings in hope for a better understanding of their plight, in hope of a paradise of freedom. Even the working people fight it out in the office for days and weeks on end just to enjoy the desirable freedom of retirement to the fullest. Yes, the fight for freedom still goes on everywhere, although it is gradually diminishing in scale.

Oppression comes naught from others alone, but also from within. We oppress others as a result of oppression received, and the cycle is perpetual. Some of us might deny it, but in most(if not all) of our hearts there lay an oppressed being, waiting for that chance to spring out of its cage, waiting for a prey. This oppression comes out in the form of anger, hatred, even sadness. Personally, I cannot deny the power that this oppressed being has in me. Not many people have seen it, but some things are meant to be hidden. Maybe this is a confession, maybe this is not. Apologies to those who have seen that monster, but seriously. I, for one, am not enjoying it the least bit.

Being thoughtful helps a lot, but it would all come to nothing if thoughts are not backed by action. My exact problem, I do not apply much of the things I think about. The road to self-improvement is one rid with obstacles of all kinds. It takes lots of courage to walk along this path, and it certainly is no walk in the park.

Just thinking about what I would do in the coming few weeks. Maybe I should commit myself to a full-fledged physical training cum academic improvement regime? Easier said than done, but hey.

I think I'm going to do it, because I know I can.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Stony Sunday

Stony Sundays weren't always stony Sundays you know. Previously, Sundays used to be the best day of the week, where even homework could not dampen my spirits. I used to have so much fun then. Sundays would be days filled with joy and laughter for me in the past, and now it has become a day filled with gloom and boredom, along with the rest of the days.

People always say that you never know what tomorrow might bring along with it in its backpack, you never know what the tide might bring in tomorrow, every day is a brand new start. Hopeful and optimistic as these quotes might sound, it will only bring unnecessary pain. Hear this: start your day expecting nothing but the worst.

When you expect the worst, nothing will affect you as you go along in life. In fact, it helps you to see how lucky you are just to be alive and kicking in this world. Even if bad things happen, they would but fall short of your expectations of the worst, and you will know how lucky you are that things did not turn out worse.

Even if the worst happens, you saw it coming, didn't you?

Friday, May 04, 2007

GWAH.

The short (thank goodness) spell of depression a few days ago has brought me to realize just how blissful a routinal life is. When life is nothing but repetition, you tend to forget all the bad things, living without any cares and woes. Then once in a while, something would break this routine and you would fall into a deep abyss, and you will have to spend some time pulling yourself out of it. It is inevitable that we face these things in life I guess. Life is not fair, so we just have to get used to it I guess?

It is a pain to lower my standards. Somehow the environment (everything that is not me, quote Einstein) is set in such a way that I perform to my very worst. Its about time I did something for myself to prove to some skeptics (idiots, every one of them) who think I'm some stupid moron who can't do anything to save my own life. You want to judge me? Go ahead. No one's stopping you. Before you do that, though, take a good look at yourself first. If you find me full of fault and wanting, feel free to help. If not, help yourself first.

Life's been quite empty for me nowadays and it seems like I lack so many things that so many people have, often in such abundance that its taken for granted. I, for one, now know not to take things for granted. Why can't I just be some guy born and raised in some remote countryside? At least my life would be fuller, focused more upon kinship and bonds instead of all these superficialities. Seriously, living with cows by my side would be so much better than living with certain people around (cows dont bullshit, they cowshit).

I'm just thankful for the encouragement I have received from some. At least some people bother to care for this raving lunatic here.

Headaches are for muggers, failures are for smartypants.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

feeling lonely and bored and underprivileged

Took me long enough to get my mind going again. So much has happened over the past week and so much has passed me by. I just don't feel like anything's going on anymore. It certainly is very unnerving when you find no meaning in anything you do, when others judge you with no good reasoning, when so many things pass you by when you know you could have taken control. I feel so helpless when these things happen. I don't know what to do. No one bothers helping.

I don't even feel like a student anymore.

Headache. Can't anything go right for me? Just once? It really is a pain to live a life with no meaning. Its me against all the odds, and I'm losing all the time.

Maybe things have gone the right way for me but I just cannot be bothered to notice? I don't think so.

I can list so many things I hate about life right now. From things in school and even how my computer lags, the list is almost endless. Come to think of it though, the list of things I love about my life right now has been shrinking slowly but steadily.

What is it that I have done wrong? Nothing really works out when I put my mind to it. Jack of many trades, master of none. Add one more line to it, "loser at so many more". I'm just so... average. My grades are average (or mostly below average), I'm average at softball and at any sport (sometimes way below average), everything about me is average. I cannot even trust myself with simple tasks. I feel quite alone again, not for the first time.

GRARRRRRRH.

I don't know who I'm begging, but can things please turn my way?