Sheep happens.

Friday, May 30, 2008

life as it is

Running further everyday... Ran to Serangoon Gardens yesterday through Lorong Chuan and back to Bishan! Ohwell, anyway I shall be taking a break from running this weekend to allow my legs some recovery time before running again next week because my legs are aching quite badly. Which just means that the leg muscles are growing YAY. Hahaha.

Went for consult this morning, I'm quite glad that I managed to learn some important things which I would never have covered if I had studied at home. Hmm. Saw some articles on time management and effective studying some time ago, and it mentioned that I have to reward myself every single time I achieve a target. Maybe I should start trying to reward myself, so I can keep working. Wonder what my rewards can be...

Synod Youth Games tomorrow!!! I think I should charge my camera like, today. It's going to be as fun as Synod Youth Camp I hope! Even though its only for a day, hey, I met some great friends just right before I left camp last year! Amazing how things usually work out from the most unlikely situation. So yeah praying for clear skies and cool winds tomorrow! Haha I don't mind some snow though xD

Oh anyway Cat High Alumni (lynx) is playing Storm on Sunday at 9am. B-E-A-UTIFUL. I'm really looking forward to a great match! I've only played against Storm once, and it was last year during the NUS open. Woohoo can't wait can't wait!

Update ends here I'm going to reward myself with some ice cream and hopefully some PS3 play! MUAHAHAHAH.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Devotion

I've been running, trying to be one who sees
I've been working, salvation out on my knees
There is nothing better than knowing
That we are redeemed
Unbelieving trusting in creative hands,
I am praying for our world to bow to your plan
And this one thought is unmistakable
I take up my cross and follow you Lord

When you stand the tall trees and mountains bow
When you speak the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen, and I fall to my knees

Unforgiven, my savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focused on the savior who gave his live
In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow you Lord

I will take up my cross and follow Lord where you lead me
And I will take up my cross and follow wherever you go

---------------------------------------------------

This song really meant a lot to me, in three aspects of my life.

First one, YES I've been running, check out the first line of the lyrics. HAHA. I never really knew that running could feel so great. I love night runs especially! Can last longer :D I don't know why but the discipline to run every night has somehow found its way into my head. I've been running everyday and I've been running for longer durations and to further places! (woots today I ran to AJC and back from Bishan!) Sense of achievement with every barrier crossed... Hurrah!

Okay, secondly, devotion in terms of friendship and family! I have been going through some rough patches lately with certain people in my life (yes buddy to be honest and if you didn't know, which I really doubt it, you're the person who affected me the most D: hahah), and it is indeed a lesson for me to learn that all storms will not last. I just need a degree of devotion, of love, to the person, and a teeny weeny bit of faith to hang on. (NOTE: remember that the Bible says a teeny weeny bit of faith is all it takes to move mountains!) Well, I've moved uhh, a kind of mountain I think. I've managed to weather through the storm thanks to God! He's removed the barrier finally and I really really feel so thankful for that. My Block Tests are coming soon though... Hope that it won't become another barrier! Still need a bit of space to breathe >.< ..

The third and most important one would be devotion in my walk with God!! Check out the bridge of the song:

I will take up my cross and follow Lord where you lead me
And I will take up my cross and follow wherever you go

Last post I posted about TUMC right? Still remember what it means? It means "Taking Up My Cross"! Anyway, this parallel in the lyrics and the significance of the exact same words in my life reeeeeally meant a lot to me (which is why the song got 5 twinkling stars on my recently acquired iPod! Plus, it sounds good anyway hahah.) SO yeah. Devotion to God. You know why we need to be devoted? Because God did it first for us! Quotes "Send Me" by Planet Shakers:

Send me, I will go
Send me, I will go
To this city
To this nation
And to the nations of the world

Thats the kind of devotion we need in every aspect of our lives!! Anyway, I shall end my post here, for fear of the early morning flu bug or something. Tell your parents you love them okay! Bye :D

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Whoa

I'm out of the fire and into the cool realms of the refrigerator. Oops, pardon me for the pretty far-fetched metaphor. I'm just hungry. Anyway, things have settled down, although I do not know whether I'm dealing with it the right way. Things definitely seem brighter now though because I think I've managed to let go. Now I actually feel motivated to spend my holidays eating books, and I'm glad I am able to feel this way, because it means that I still have hopes of redeeming myself. Yay.

From today on, I am going to stick to my daily targets (TODAY'S TARGET: FINISH ALL THE EXTRA QUESTIONS OF BINOMIAL & POISSON). If anyone EVER happens to want to meet me, I'm afraid I would have to comply only when it is absolutely necessary. This paragraph is highly redundant because, well, who wants to meet me anyway? Hahah.

What Justin said yesterday was really inspiring for me, because it really has been a while since I've taken a walk with God. All along I have wanted to meet my friends, I've wanted so badly to just spend a bit of time with them, but I don't think I've ever thought of spending an afternoon with God. I'll have to set my priorities right. Oh, and one more thing. I don't know if my parents will allow me to help out for "The Promise", either as a vocalist or I don't know what :D I'm going to ask mum like, tomorrow. Let's hope she agrees. It's going to be tough, but I really want to do something special for God to make Him happy! After all, it's because of Him that I'm so fortunate to have all the things I need and more.

I sang for worship with Marianne yesterday! Gosh, the first time I've ever did anything on-stage for Church stuff. People like Duane and Kymberly (is her name spelt with an i or a y?) actually said I sang well :D Yay thank God!

The kids were great today at the reading session. Maybe it was because I was looking at things differently? Maybe it was because the boys didn't come. I know it's wrong to think that way but ohwell. They actually made me feel quite happy at the end when they said their goodbyes (: wow next three Sundays without reading session. Wonder where I'll be going...

There are three things I would like to prioritize in my life, especially this holidays:
1. My walk with God, TUMC (Taking Up My Cross)
2. Family, friends
3. Studies
Notice that friends, you guys are still higher on the list than studies HAHA.

I'll be going back to TUMC now people, please do enjoy your holidays for those still schooling. As for those who aren't schooling, well, enjoy the holidays anyway :D

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For Those- Rush of Fools
For those who are worn with nothing to bring but empty hands
For those who are weak, for those who can't find the strength to stand

Lord we know it's for those You've come
Lord we know it's for those You've given Your Son
Lord we know it's for those who can't come on their own
That You've come, You have come for those

For those who are poor
For those who are broken, those who mourn
For those bound by chains with no way to freedom but for grace
But for grace

If You are for us, who can be against us
Who can be against Your own
If You are with us who can separate us
Who can separate Your own

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Walking Her Home

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Her dad said son
Have her home on time
And promise me you’ll never leave her side
He took her to a show in town
And he was ten feet off the ground

He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

Ten more years in the waiting room
At half past one
And the doctor said come in and meet your son

His knees went weak
When he saw his wife
She was smiling as she said he’s got your eyes

And as she slept he held her tight
His mind went back to that first night

He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

He walked her through the best days of her life
Sixty years together and he never left her side

A nursing home
At eighty-five
And the doctor said it could be her last night
And the nurse said Oh
Should we tell him now
Or should he wait until the morning to find out

But when they checked her room that night
He was laying by her side

Oh he was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end
And just for a while they were eighteen
And she was still more beautiful to him than anything
He was walking her home
He was walking her home

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Beautiful song by Mark Schultz. Played it today during break and I couldn't stop singing it actually, because it really is a beautiful song that touched me deeply.. Its already made my "all-time faves" list!

Starting to pick up again. God help me!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

oh.

本以为是幸福的开始
却演变成悲哀的结局
那么多次的伤心痛苦
不就告诉我结局了吗？

固执地告诉自己
这次一定是例外
结果也还是一样
伤心痛苦又何用？
受伤的仍是自己
自责也一样没用

我等了好久，好久，
难道真的等到这一刻了吗？
或许这
又是一场恶梦的开始？
我好害怕
害怕自己又进入一场
让自己始终无法自拔的梦中
就像以前一样
一次一次地失势
一次一次地心碎
一次一次地崩溃

每一次伤心
每一次心烦
周围的人啊
你们何处去？
一人也无影
一影也无踪
都留我一人
不知要如何
不知怎么办
哦天啊拜托
这真过分啊

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Close to Expiry Date.

Why do I feel like I'm being shelved?

Haven't I done enough, well, to merit at least a certain degree of appreciation? Given the supposed meaning of this "trust" we have between us, wouldn't I be disappointed when things go awry, or when things don't happen at all? Yes I know I am not supposed to have any expectations at all, so I won't be hurt or disappointed, but wouldn't that just mean that we're not what we claim to be? Friends? You know that friendship is a two-way thing, and its very very tiring trying to hold up a friendship that makes me feel like its one-sided. They say when you love, you will automatically think for the person you love before anything. I've given all I could for this; my time, my efforts, my thoughts and my tears, but I just feel like I can't do any of these anymore. I can't breathe. I can't even help myself now. I've given until there's nothing left, and I'm utterly disappointed with myself for not being able to give from God's love. My love's run dry now.

Double whammy.

Feeling like a deformed orange in a supermarket. You pick me up, look at me, and put me back because I'm not good enough for your basket. It just hurts more to know that I've given all I could have given, and knowing that I will never be able to take that place in your heart. I believe that words have to be backed by action. Without action, well, the whole human race might as well be parrots. I know I'm being selfish, but this feeling that I'm feeling now, isn't it on its own an indicator of how much this friendship means to me?

I won't say "I can't take it anymore", because I can. Something inside me is telling me I have the strength to persevere through it all, and that something isn't me. Thank God for putting me through this, because I shall be stronger when it is truly over.

Meanwhile, I'll take the pain, I'll take the apathy, I'll take the tears; until the day when I find that love is truly the answer.

You know, I'm writing this here with almost absolute certainty that you won't read this because you rarely read my stuff anyway. I just hope that God makes me a way, because now, there seems to be no right way out of this. If you happen to read this, well, I'm just in a self-pitying mood. This whole passage here is about what I think and how I feel. You're you. You have your own life, and you do whatever you want with it. Nothing wrong with that, right? I'm just the dude who's not fighting hard enough for my cause..

Saturday, May 17, 2008

CHAMPIONS x2!!

Okay yes that title up there can have two different meanings.

1. This is the 2nd nationals title I have grabbed since I started softball in sec 1.
2. Hwachong's 3rd ever double champs!

Four months. Four months was all it took to transform a 2nd rate A division team into a champion team. This might have well been magic for all you know. I have nothing but respect for coach and the team.

Coach, it has been a life-changing four month period for me. Not only through your insights into the fine details of softball, but also through the way you project yourself. The way you live your life. The constancy of purpose. The love for your family, especially your daughters. These things inspire me so much. We have nothing but respect for you, and I think everyone would agree that we could never have had a better coach than you. Thank you!

Team, hey. It hasn't been easy, trying to organize the team. I'm sorry if I have not done things right for the past year. I was fighting for my beliefs, fighting for what I thought was the right way of playing the sport. Team discipline was one of the things which troubled me. Things like wearing caps, well, I couldn't make everyone wear caps for training so I didn't wear mine in the end. Trivial things such as these, I apologize if I have been overly assertive. Other things, however, cannot be let off. Things like throwing bats and gloves, I always feel really sad when someone does it, because it just shows the immaturity of our play. I couldn't change the way you guys did certain things (like sit on the field), and I got pretty pissed off in the process. Please do understand. It is not an easy thing to work with a group of testosterone-charged 18 year olds. Vulgarities, etc, honestly you guys were really posing me some huge problems because yes I can't swear and it sucks when I blurt something unpleasant out just because its pretty much the team language. At the end of it all, though, I really really enjoyed my time with you guys. I'm going to miss all of this.

HWACHONG FTW.

--------------------------------------------

Buddy,

I've been there before. When hostility and aggression takes over the mind. It hurts, yes, and it hurts deeply. Conflict is never a pleasant experience, but well, most of the imporant lessons in life that we learn are through unpleasant experiences. Use this experience to your own advantage. Assess the situation and tell yourself what you will do the next time you are faced with the same problem. Improve yourself every single time. It is not the number of times you fall that matters, but the struggle to stand up again. Even if you never get to stand up in your whole life, hey. You'll be standing tall and strong in Heaven when the time comes.

Be strong and never let the tides push you down. I'll be your support :)

Monday, May 12, 2008

hmm.

My problems are really nothing. Coach is right. Whatever I do, whatever pressures I face, it can never be compared to the suffering that many others go through. Compared to these problems, my problems are peanuts. NOTHING. Damn. I thought I knew what Jesus' suffering meant. I thought I knew just roughly how painful it was to walk the road to Golgotha with the cross.

When I look at my life over the times when I was feeling more or less depressed, I can't help but feel so stupid. All these while the answer was staring me in the face but I was too myopic to see anything that truly mattered. I have to learn that sometimes, what matters is not what I can see or feel, but what I can't. This would be trust; this would be faith.

I've been hurting myself a lot. This thing, its been here since secondary school. I wish it won't stay. How I wish..

Thanks Em. Thank You Lord.

Monday, May 05, 2008

zzz

It's been quite a while since I updated and since I'm still sian about doing work now I shall update a bit.

If you have been following my twitter posts you'd more or less know what's been going on in my life lately, but what I posted in there is like, only a small fraction of what has reeeally been happening lately: A LOT. Especially last weekend in church which was like, yesterday and the day before. I felt like a changed person, oh well, at least for a while. I want the feeling! It pretty much refreshes me because I truly am tired of all the typical moods switching around in a routine-like cacophony.

Anyway, at the time that this post was typed: its 210 hours away from the final. The championship is ours and no one's going to touch it.

Haven't been studying a lot lately, because I just can't. It's just the feeling that I have to get certain things sorted out first before I can start fighting. I will clear the mess in due time. My parents have been attacking me for using the com a lot (like I spend my time in school from 7am to 8pm luh and I don't even have space to complain) and well. It doesn't feel good to hear certain things that are being said about my computer usage, especially since they do not know what I'm doing on the com. Trying to find a good way out of this problem but I don't know how.

Just realized that all that I ever wanted out of others was acceptance. The feeling that I matter, and the feeling that I'm not redundant. I don't know luh, all these things seem so stupid when I type them out. Guess I'd never felt much love from others . Maybe that's I don't have much strength to love, but when it comes down to using the right kind of love, it sure is hard to love using God's love instead of my own.

Inside me I wish I could be everything to my friends. Haha. Dumb, I know, because all I can be is me. Just plain, old, boring, inadequate me. I can never be funny, I can't possibly be inspiring, I'm quite possibly the most boring person to hang out with, I can't maintain a proper conversation long enough, I don't have any self-confidence, I don't have so many things, and I don't have anything to give but me.

Alright going to do my Bible project then off to sleep. Update soon..

Thursday, May 01, 2008

HC v RJ

So we won. ACS(I) for the final.

I don't know what happened. Warm up was fine, everything was fine. When I stepped up the plate to pitch though, my legs just seized up. Cramp. Crap. Couldn't pitch properly. Tried my best. Cut my stride. Hurts like mad. The first two innings were okay, but the next two that came were terrible. I couldn't remember much of anything that happened, really, except that I my ball got hit quite a lot but I didn't even care anyway. Oh, and pain pain pain. I had to press on. Nothing was going to stop me from finishing that stoopid game. Gee I don't even know the score.

I don't know what it looked like from the spectator's side. Maybe the HC pitcher was half-dead and crazily still pitching. Maybe in his weakened state he couldn't keep his focus enough so he hit a lot a lot of Raffles batters. Maybe he should just stop being so stupid and let someone else pitch. Its only a school game, why fight so hard?

I don't know, I don't care, and all I want to do is to thank God for bringing me through it all. Oh. I want to thank God for the mayday holiday too.