Sheep happens.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

paranoid

I just realized the ease with which the actions of others affect me, and I just realized that when I get really emotional I'll eat cheese fries and drink bubble tea. I just drank the bubble tea and gobbled down the cheese fries, not that they made me feel any better though. Apparently paranoia has extended to the further reaches of my inner self. I am no longer only worried about coping with my studies and CCA, now I have the fear of losing the things so important to me to add to the worry list. There's bound to be some time in your life when you feel pretty much nihilistic, but why am I even feeling a slight bit of that now, of all times? I don't have any reason to feel that way. Okay, I do have my reasons, but I doubt they'll satisfy anyone.

One part of me wishes that I was another one of those temerarious people, daring to take all the risks and daring to fight for myself, but another side tells me to persevere, for there is no limit to kindness and other virtues. I just hate it how love destroys, how it hurts. I know it would be meaningless if all love did was to build and to heal, but sometimes it just hurts so much you feel like ending it.

And at the end of the day, all the world has known would be just another guy who left his mark in the sand.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

If I had..

If I had Damian's brains and perseverance,
If I had his passion for what he loves...

If I had Henry's calm and composure,
If I had his ability to chill all the time...

If I had Zhan Yi's wisdom and consistency,
If I had his cool to step back and look things over...

If I had Emerlyn's smile and thoughtfulness,
If I had her way of turning to God in life...

If I had Yee Ching's sincerity and attitude,
If I had her way of thriving on camaraderie...

If I had Rachall's lameness and randomness,
If I had her ability to make someone's day so much nicer...

If I had Yu Quan's blurness and youthfulness,
If I had her appreciation for the little things in life...

If I had Dad's love and belief in God,
If I had his ability to see things God's way...

If I had Mum's unceasing care and concern,
If I had her way of doing things out of love...

If I had Job's silent constancy in speech and action,
If I had the true intention of affection that he has...

I would be the perfect person.

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This list can go on and on and on. Just something nice for some of the people who have made my life so much better :) If your name isn't on the list, it doesn't mean anything my friend! I still appreciate whatever you've done! If you want your line, you could always message me and I'll reply with your "If I had..." line :D

Have a great week ahead!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Ten Reasons..

10 reasons why I cry myself to sleep
1. The fear of not being able to catch up with my studies
2. All I do seems meaningless
3. I think too much
4. Deep feeling of loneliness and melancholy
5. I feel unappreciated, as much as I hate to feel that way
6. I sin
7. I keep getting hurt over and over again for the same reason throughout the years
8. The fear of losing the people and the things I love most
9. Spiritual/emotional crisis
10. Love

10 reasons why I keep fighting
1. My family
2. My friends
3. My religion
4. To show others that I can do it
5. My future hangs on what I do now
6. I abominate the possibility of failing as a person
7. To know that I can do all things when faith is with me
8. The hope that tomorrow will be a better day
9. I know not what tomorrow will bring
10. Love

10 things I can't live long without
1. My family
2. My friends
3. My religion
4. My faith
5. Hope
6. Determination
7. A sense of belonging
8. Appreciation (sigh...)
9. Spongebob Squarepants (humour)
10. Love

Saturday, February 16, 2008

I know what matters

I was foolish enough to let it affect me so much! Ohwell I really think foolishness knows no boundaries, especially for me, but I do learn from these experiences and benefit from them. I know what matters now, yes I do, and what matters definitely isn't me. If someone treats me bad, so what? If things don't go my way, so what? Yeah, I do make it sound really easy in this short sentence, because right now I can do it so easily. Let's hope it stays... I don't know what to do now that everything's pretty much over. All my projects and all the things I did in the past month or so have been so meaningful to me that I feel so lost now doing nothing. Do my homework? Study? These things are but ephemeral activities. Yes, I will study, but what I seek is eternal. Love, servitude, compassion, honor. These are the things which matter and the things which will define me as a person, a human being.

"I love not to be loved, but to share with others the most precious thing in this universe." That sentence came to my mind today, and to think I never thought I could think of something wise! Most of the time, if not all the time, I do something with that subconscious hope that I would get something in return. A word of thanks, a smile, or even a tiny nod of approval. I always look out for these subtle signs of appreciation, and I'll always get that negative feeling when I get no sign for something I've worked so hard for. I know its why I feel so down sometimes. It never feels good to know that you're so easily replaceable by anybody else, but I'm learning to block that feeling out.

I'm going to continue this learning journey with a smile on my face :)

Monday, February 11, 2008

yeah here it is.

Emotionally unstable. One moment I'm all fine, and the next I just feel so empty all over again. Envious of other's positions while simultaneously blaming myself (God, maybe? The people around me?) for the situation I'm in. It's just me I guess. I mean, yeah. You'd probably fully understand if you were in my shoes, but I'd never want you to wear those shoes, ever. It's painful.

I keep thinking what I would be doing to settle this problem if I were you. What would you do when faced with a similar problem? You'd probably take everything in your stride. Wish I could do that. Yeah. Sometimes it hurts so much to have experienced something so beautiful, and to feel it ebbing away with every passing day. What if it had never happened? I would probably never have known the feeling, but why can't I just be grateful that it's happened? Perplexed. I should be glad that it happened, not sad that it's gradually slipping away, but I cannot feel that way. Tempted by the selfish desire to hold it close and not to let go, but I know it will cause even more negativities. Maybe it's just me. I do hope I'm wrong, and I'd be overjoyed if I'm proven wrong.

Life's too much of a gamble. Too much of an uncertainty. The past has taught me to be vigilant, but my guard's down and I'm facing the consequences. Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way. Yeah. Probably, but my mind's blurred by a fog and my heart's lost its direction. Shall I take the leap of faith? Leave it hanging on the cliff? I don't know what to do. I cannot decide.

You don't have to understand, but the above is but a part of what there actually is. I could sum it all up in a few words, but I can't. I'm not ready to take the leap yet.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Days gone by...

I am half bored here in Batam (even though today was pretty busy with over 50+ visitors visiting) and I just found out that I could use the internet, so I decided to blog! Even though I have internet access, I will not go online until Sunday when I get back to Singapore. I have to learn some self-control and I also want some degree of isolation to clear my mind a bit. I'd miss you people while I'm here (withdrawal symptoms hmm) and that'll contribute to me wanting to treat everyone better when I go back because I will then know what it feels like to not have you guys around. (not good at all)

I probably will blog for three days running because I really think I'll have nothing to do from tomorrow on, so keep checking up on my blog if you like to read my senseless writings, or if you miss me already! (probably isn't applicable to anyone, but well, it's alright to hope!) Senseless is the new epic, or so it seems from my point of view, but this post shall make a measured bit of sense though; its always good to strike a balance! I shall write a highly logical progression of events, very uncharacteristic of me but well, I've changed and so will my writing style. (me changing = permanent. writing style changing = temporary.)

Okay, whatever happened in recent times, my short-term memory only recalls the happenings after the Henderson Chinese New Year CIP. That's last week! My short-term memory isn't that bad after all. So yeah, 'twas a Saturday morning as cool and breezy as any cool and breezy day, if you get what I mean. Met with Yee Ching at Bishan MRT pretty early to make our way to the event venue: Redhill! So the train ride went by with Yee Ching asking me about elasticity concepts. (I still remember! Coke and Pepsi example! Woots. Random memory.)

When we reached block 91 Henderson Road, we were one full hour early and we just sat down stoning and talking while I read my vectors notes and Yee Ching her Newsweek article on the proliferation of ceasefires in Iraq. The event soon came, though, and we just went around making ourselves useful distributing buffet-style food to the elderly gathered there. Distribute, distribute, smile, smile, and soon no one else wanted the food and we sat with the elderly singing Cantonese songs. I don't know a single word of Cantonese (okay maybe I know er.. dim sum) but I smoked and sang along anyway. Yee Ching, on the other hand, grew up on Canto evergreens and even went up to sing with the elderly. Wish I could do that! So yeah, sing song, sing song, smile smile, happy happy. The elderly had so much fun singing and dancing along to the music, we had fun too. It felt really good to see the elderly so happy and so youthful, and we were a part of it! :) The rest of the day was spent doing the ILPP up and nothing but ILPP and chatting on MSN. Oh I met Monkey at Bugis and I met Joanne, Sherman etc. at Artfriend :)

I am stupefied by my ability to write so logically. Never knew I could do that!

Sunday's next, and it started earlier than most of my Sundays. Food Samaritan! Okay, so the 6G-ers who went were me, Damian, Henry, Yee Ching and Shu Yan. There were like, only NINE J2s around! Weird, since the organizers were all J2 and by right their friends should be the ones supporting them. It didn't matter though! We first packed all the goods provided by FairPrice (food and non-food) into recyclable shopping bags, flattened all the used boxes and went on the bus to our distribution sites. The bus ride was a terrible hour long ordeal! Ugh, and apparently we were standing on the bus while there were seats. Smart. So we reached Chai Chee and split into our groups; senior 6Gs and junior 6Gs split to two locations.

We reached ground zero only to find that the goods were not there yet. So we just sat around and Damian camwhored with Mr Ken Toh's son, Keith, who loves to kick cockroach butt! Stuff came after what seemed like aeons and we moved out in our pairs to distribute the food. Me and my partner (nice girl who was from RV and lives at Adam Road) had to go to the furthest blocks of flats in the rain. Zzz. It was pretty cool though, but very tiring. The bags were really HEAVY! Okay so we moved here and there, carrying heavy bags and giving them away to the people who needed them. The end! Haha. Went over to meet the two juniors and went to MRT my way to Dhoby Ghaut from Bedok, walking around for a while and then going to Darul Ihsan for reading session. I was late again and I had to run in the rain! Argh. And so Sunday went, and never will there be another Sunday as such.

Two days and I have already written so many things even though I cut most of the details out. Now you know how colourful my life has been so far, don't you? I realised that this post is getting a bit long.. I'll cut some days out so that you won't fall asleep!

Monday: School + training. The end.

Next comes Tuesday! Haha yeah apparently I only had one day to cut out from the "must-blog-about" category. Too bad!

School came, and school went. I was released at 1pm and I went to pitch to Ashley for an hour or so, ending one SRC game in the process with only one controversial walk. Fine. Then the fun came! I saw some of the juniors walking out and went with them to NTUC to purchase some of the stuff they needed to make the jellies for CNY street market. Walk talk, walk talk, shop shop, buy buy. Went to Shu Yan's house (Sixth Avenue, Jalan A.H. or H.A. as Angela calls it.) after that to make the jellies with the juniors. I felt so old but well, young too! Haha. Make jelly, laugh, make jelly, laugh, stone, laugh, play finger, laugh, get video-ed, laugh, watch videos, laugh, make story, laugh, etc. Went home on 156, redefined the word "sleep", said my goodbyes and went home to rush my very important work. Slept 4 hours...

CNY celebs came next! Actually there was nothing much happening except that I just kept playing finger with Yaze and the rest, oops, I meant Liuhao. Took some pictures, ate some jelly, sang many "HEY"s to all the CNY songs and lao-ed the "fish life". (yu sheng lol) After that I had to rush off home to prep myself to go to Batam. Said my goodbyes, boarded the mega crowded ferry, slept all the way to Batam. Finally, after one month, I get to see my brother again! Haha. Still slim and sleek as an LG chocolate phone, and apparently learning bass. Cooooool. I don't remember what I did yesterday except eat. Haha!

And so today is today. $$ and food. *slurp* PIZZA for dinner later!

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Jubilation in January

Another busy week has just gone by like a flash. What a month January was! People say time passes really quickly when you're enjoying yourself, and indeed January 2008 has been an unforgettable month. Hope the rest of the remaining 11 months of this year are just as enriching and unforgettable as this one!

I have seen so many firsts in January 2008 and I feel like a small child all over again, learning and experiencing new things almost everywhere I go. Special thanks to certain 6G people for making my life a more vibrant one. Although I probably have talked about it many times, I cannot ever thank you people enough for being there for me. I can always trust the Damian Gang to be there to wake me when I'm slacking off lessons or even to talk to when I am feeling down.

Of course, I have other very important people to thank for the love they have shared with me. Hope, firstly, for walking and talking with me with uncanny consistency every time I wished I had someone to share with. You've never failed to make me smile so far, so you'd better hang out with me more. Haha! Thanks for the understanding and the joy you've brought so far. Thanks also for the company and for the smiles, I wish I'd known you earlier, my friend! High Twenty! :D You're very, very special. I bet I just made you smile! Haha!

Secondly, the softball team, although they'd probably never read this. Everyone has worked hard, and I personally contend that improvement has a new definition: HC Softball. I, on the other hand, seem to be the one who is lacking in reliability. My apologies. Looking forward to a great season with you all though. Softball has never been more interesting with all that we have learned so far, and I only have one message for you guys. Relish every catch, every play, every out, every hit, every run, every inning, every game. Our efforts will not go to waste no matter how few games we play this year, because our names shall be preserved forever in the history of Hwa Chong. Be proud of yourselves people!

Third would be everyone else that I did not mention. Hehe. I am sorry I cannot list your names down because there are simply too many, but thanks too for playing a part in filling my January with jubilation.

I have a creative learning art project to complete now though, so I'll stop here. February started off really good! Thanks to softball yesterday and Hope today :) がんばって！