Sheep happens.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Monster

Redemption- Switchfoot

Four A.M., two hours to go
I'm wearing out a lonely glow
I miss you more than I could know
Here I am, here I am
Won't you get me....

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive

With my fist down at your feet
I was running out of mysteries
Insecure and incomplete, here I am, here I am,
won't you get me?

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive, alive, come alive

My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me, worn me out

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive

I've got my hands at redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive, come alive

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This can't be happening. What's happened to my life? Was I living a lie without even knowing it? Everything's gone now. Even those I'd thought I could trust. I don't know. She's standing right there right now, and I know she's just pretending she hasn't seen me at all. Why can't anyone understand my position? Was this what I sacrificed my time for, to become invisible in the eyes of others?...

-message saved to drafts-

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I turned around and saw him there, but he wasn't himself anymore. Yeah, he looked the same, as always. Those shining eyes, those dull clothes, unkempt hair; well, he's never looked any different, maybe except when he came along one day wearing a cap because he'd shaved for a cause (I couldn't remember what). Yeah, physically, he's there alright. But things are different now. In recent times, it feels like he's become some sort of... monster. Just by the way he's become so negative, the way he gets caught up in worldly things and the way he feels so far away.

The extent of his negativity, well, there are no words within the limits of my vocabulary that can sufficiently describe it. He'd been pestering me for months on end, getting me to listen to all his laments and worries. Most of our conversations end with him trying to change for the better, but well, I guess those promises he made to himself never worked out. I'd tried to be patient, I can't recall how many times I tried, but I know I tried. It bothered me so much.

He used to be such a nice guy to talk to; enthusiastic, insightful, thoughtful, kind. I could make a whole list. Knowing all that, though, I guess I didn't really talk to him much. Ever since our first conversation, he kept looking me up to chat, and it grew pretty annoying after some time. I'd tried to be nice and enthusiastic because I didn't want to disappoint him, but gosh, those conversations kept coming at the worst possible times. I guess I could have dealt with things better, but hey, I'd apologized to him many times about it. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

"Life's never going to give you lemonade dude, you've gotta squeeze them lemons yourself", I said under my breath as I turned my back on him to find another seat. He was looking in my direction while his fingers typed endlessly on his cell. Whatever, I'd probably feel better if I consume my food without having to avoid his helpless gaze. It was such a burden he placed on my shoulders.

I saw a glitter of something streaking across his face as I turned.

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All I'd wanted was just someone who'd treat me like a real friend. Someone who'd freakin' treat me like a good friend, damnit. Yeah, they've got all their friends to worry about, because their friends are fun to be with. Their friends make them feel like everything is alright. I've never felt that kind of shit. YES SHIT DAMNIT. What kind of life am I living? I feel like I'm in a deep abyss right now. No one's making any effort to pull me out of it damnit what the hell are FRIENDS? People who see through you? Yeah now she goes away. Perfect. Sometimes I wonder if I really exist. WHAT THE HELL? Tears? I didn't even know I could still... cry. What in the world is wrong with me?...

-message saved to drafts-

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It really felt a lot better to eat without someone constantly trying to catch your eye. Can't he grow out of it? He's got to be more independent! Come on, look at him. All grown up, but unable to handle himself. What a pity. Hmm. Maybe he's got clinical depression. I should tell my friends about him, those smart alecs would probably know what he's suffering from.

I giggled to myself at the thought of Paul spouting a list of insane possibilities in reply to my question, while the others would cut in with their own freaky answers. These friends of mine are dead precious. Thank God I have these friends whom I could rely on... They've never failed to make me laugh, or cheer me up. I don't know why but I suddenly had the urge to look back at him, which I did.

It was tears, wasn't it? He's got his face buried in his hands now, bawling silently over his soup. What a pitiful sight. If only he'd known friends like mine. Maybe he'd be different. Oh well, no point worrying about that depressed lump over at the table, I'm late for my movie!

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It felt quite good to cry, somehow. At least I still can feel emotions. I loved her as a friend, and sometimes I am just so afraid that my emotions are dead, that I am but an empty shell, merely existing but not really living.. So I'm alive, what now?.. I've got nowhere to go, nothing to do, except wait for someone to save me. They say love will find a way, don't they? You know what, maybe I'm stressed out. Yeah, I'm probably stressed out. I'll go watch a movie right now..

-message saved to drafts-

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It was midnight.

They wanted to sneak into the cinema, all five of us, so we could have enough money for a good supper after the movie.

It was, of course, Paul's idea. He'd done it before, and he reckons it was a hell lot easier for him to sneak into the cinema compared to entering the guys' toilet. I knew it sounded pretty... fishy. There was just something wrong about not paying to enjoy something. It'd be exciting though.. I thought for a moment before I made a decision, but as I was deep in thought... I saw him again, through the corner of my eye. Damn! What, is he stalking me now? He's definitely going to be the guy to ruin my day. Such a jinx!

Anyway, I decided it wasn't right to sneak in, and I told my friends about it. The response I got was totally unexpected; they fell to the ground laughing. They weren't laughing because I'd made a joke, no, they were laughing AT me. Like I was the joke.

"OH SO NOW GOODY TWO-SHOES IS GOING TO RUIN OUR PLAN FOR THE NIGHT?" Paul hollered while I remained silent, still very taken aback by their reaction. They'd started making jokes up about my mother when he came along.

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Damn, why the hell do I keep seeing her around? hfdeu238fyi3euohjekdhawbhkfbr

-message saved to drafts-

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"HEY! HEY! RUN, DAMNIT, RUN! QUICKLY", he shouted as he approached, "COME ON!"

Sensing that something was wrong, my friends gradually shut up and started looking warily around. Paul's face turned a deathly white as he started scrambling away. My other friends followed suit, while I stood rooted to the ground and looking around in confusion, not knowing what was happening.

Then I saw them.

Four huge men were approaching, each carrying a different weapon, and staring mercilessly at me. For the first time in my life, I felt alone, staring Death in the face. Not for long though, as he reached my side, pushing me away.

"RUN! QUICK!" He shouted as he charged towards the thugs.

Those shining eyes, those dull clothes and unkempt hair. I could not find the strength to move my feet, much less run, and by the time I managed to find the ability to move my feet, I chose to heed his advice to turn around and run away. Surely his reckless charge was only a decoy? He wouldn't be so foolish as to take them head-on, would he?

I saw a glitter of something streaking across his form as I turned.

My heart skipped a beat. I didn't look, I couldn't look. I ran round the corner and hid behind the bushes, tears running endlessly down my cheeks, trying to control the uncontrollable sobs. Screams, terrible, deathly screams. I could hear them from where I was.

By the time they walked past the bush, it was fifteen minutes later, an eternity.

"We didn't kill him, did we, boys?"
"Not too sure dude, but we sure beat the hell outta him."
"Yeah man, awesome whackin' down there. I can't wait to get my hands on that Paul dude though."
"Bloody brat owes me a fortune for that stock of drugs, damn. I'll make sure he gets it."

I made sure they were gone before I moved out of my hiding place. Paul, a drug dealer? The reality struck me hard, but I had to get to him. He'd better be alive, or I'd never forgive myself for running away like a freaking coward.

It was a grisly sight, but he was still breathing. Apparently the thugs had traded their weapons for knuckles, for they were fighting only a single, unarmed man. Thank goodness. He's still alive. There is hope. I saw his phone lying nearby and called for an ambulance, and then I knelt there and prayed.

Right now, he looked like a monster. Shining eyes replaced by swollen ones, dull clothes torn and tattered, unkempt hair pulled off his scalp by clumps. But I've never felt him so.. eerily beautiful. He was someone who risked his life to save me, and he was right here in front of me, closer to death with every passing second.

I held him in my arms for the longest time as I cried, and yet help had not yet arrived within twenty minutes now. Time was running out, and I was about to give up all hope when he stirred in my arms.

Those shining eyes shone again.

"Hey." He said as he tried to curl his swollen lips into a smile.

A tear dropped from my face and onto his. I stared into those beautiful eyes for a moment, and only for a moment, that last time his eyes ever shone.

It was only days later that his mother approached me and passed me his cell.

"I think you'd want to see this. He loved you, girl. He loved you so."

Who's the monster now?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

whee

Heaven and earth here and now.

Wonder how to feel that when I'm fainting from all the physics.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Don't Be There- Switchfoot

Don't be there
'Cause I'm on my way

And I'm already gone over
And I'm on my way

And I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself

I'm down here
And you're way up there

But that doesn't hurt badly
But it stings right here

And I won't pretend there's
Nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square

If you're a rose
Then I'm the thorn
That's in your side

And does it hurt badly
'Cause it burns right here

I'd like to say hello
I'd like to say I care
I'd like to let you know
That nothing here's the same with me
Nothing here's the same

Don't be around
Don't be there

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Support

Today's FF mentioned the Church, the fact that it is not the building, but the gathering of believers as a family united by one thing which is God. The Church is there to, support you. The family is there to constantly remind you that your imperfections do not matter.

I was feeling a bit. Weird. Yeah I felt quite weird when it was mentioned as such because I've never felt that church was, family-ish. Treat everyone like your own biological brothers and sisters, I learnt. We're all friends in church, yes, but for me in church it has never felt like it's gone beyond the level of 'good friends', much less brothers and sisters?

I don't know. Maybe I've been severely disillusioned all these while.

It has been a very taxing week for me physically and mentally. Long study hours, uncertainty in facing the exams, inability to rest effectively... The list of things that add to the 'challenges' list just keeps piling on. God, I can't do this on my own. People, I can't do this on my own.

Jo, you're too weak to do all this yourself.

P.S. Anyway thanks to those who've talked to me, or sent me messages and all. I bet you don't know how awesome it feels to get a bit of encouragement when you're dying at the study table. Thanks again.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

o.o

'Damian ๏̯͡๏) thats it, im going crazy. says:
white nigger
'Damian ๏̯͡๏) thats it, im going crazy. says:
huang fei hong damn nice
[07]__ショ! doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs says:
huang fei hong is a white nigger?!
[07]__ショ! doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs says:
i thought he's yellow

woohoo holiday lalala

I haven't figured out much, but I think I'm losing focus somehow. I'll have to buck up!

Anyway, the past several days have been spent studying and online. Mostly Mathematics, because that is the only subject which I think I really have a chance to improve in. I'm having long hours of math tuition and revision, the results better show...

I officially haven't touched Physics and Economics. Woohoo the future is looking SO bright.

Sincerity is my best policy. I'll be that ever-obliging dude. Won't matter if you take advantage of me. If you want to do so, do it, because you'll feel guilty for it if you've got a heart. If you feel guilty, well, at least you've got more than a glimmer of hope. The first will be the last.

To become the greatest you have to be the slave of all.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

back and hopefully on track

Second day back but I have yet to get proper sleep due to certain commitments. This is really taking a lot out of me. I should sleep properly tonight before I go about starting my new week..

Anyway, the mission trip was a really awesome trade-off for the one week of study time. Well worth it, for it was beautiful. Yeah, beautiful is one of the precious few words that I know which applies in description of the trip. I don't know how to put things into words, and especially when faced with such an experience, I really cannot find any words to adequately describe it. Let's just say that if you haven't seen what I have seen, or felt what I have felt on my week away, you will probably not be able to understand the way I feel now. Even if I'm telling you about my trip and all, please. I have already stated above that I do not know how to put things into words, so what you hear will only be a teeny weeny fraction of what I went through. I don't know if it's good or bad, to have experienced something that so few have experienced.

During FF yesterday, I tried sharing my feelings with Joel during the prayer time and I couldn't really describe the way I felt there and then. At that time, too, looking at everyone praying and all, something inside me wished so hard that everyone could have seen what I have seen and felt what I have felt. It feels like such a huge responsibility, for God to have shown me the things as such and sending me back here to a group of people who have seen but have not felt. What is it that I must do with my life, to be able to make others feel the sincerity and the purity of God's love?

God's love is what is shown through the lives of the elders in Batam; God's love is what keeps the Christians in Pulau Lingka from the temptation of a better life, at the price of a simple conversion in religion; God's love is what keeps the believers believing, and it is what makes the believer want to share it with the ones they love so much; God's love is the panacea for all ailments, whether one is on the brink of death, or whether it is just another physical discomfort; God's love is what built the education centre and school in Pekanbaru, and I see it as similar to watching a river pour out from a wasteland; God's love is what sent my Dad for church-planting, and it is what kept him going on for years upon years, thousands upon thousands of kilometers traveled through countless dangers; God's love is what drove us through His lands, and brought us back safe and sound; God's love is the reason why we spur each other on to greater heights.

For those who have asked, I have answered, "Everything is the same, but everything is different now. Singapore is still the way I left it one week ago. The people are the same, the living environment is the same, every little detail is the same, but things just feel so different now."

I very much cannot describe the difference that I feel. Maybe I will type it down once I figure it out.. Anyway the next paragraph might seem random to some, and a sensitive topic, but it is something that's troubling me.

My belief: women shouldn't be wearing revealing clothes. All the short shorts, miniskirts, whatever you can think of. What is it for anyway? To attract attention? To want others to think of them as pretty? What does it matter what other people think of you anyway? It is a point that appeared very prominently to me after I got back from the trip, because where I've been to, the women don't dress that way. I'd thought it before, that materialism and self-image is playing far too prominent a role in the lives of people today, but it really is bugging me right now, that it appears like some women just cannot stand it if they don't lead the guys to sin. Imagine the temptation that a teenager with raging hormones walks down Orchard Road faces. It might well be what leads him into a lifetime of sin. Who knows? From my point of view, this is the propagation of materialism in the lives of people.

Brothers, it is a constant temptation to sin every single time you walk out of the house and into the world (especially when you go to town), but fight it and fight hard. Train yourself to look away, and think of better things like Jesus. It is a very real challenge that we Christians face in the world today, with the emphasis on freedom of the individual. I just have one last quote, from Dad.

"Faith is the internal factor, so strengthen the internal and you'll be able to cope with the external."

The world works in such a way to mislead us Christians from God. Do not for once accept that the status quo of society is acceptable in God's eyes. Like gaming, internet and pop culture. It doesn't mean that, hey, if everyone does it, it is alright for me to do it. For things like gaming and internet, well, a bit is fine. Excessive indulgence in these worldly things will only pull you away from God though, and watch the kinds of games you play. I played a certain game that I will not name (due to fear of a defamation suit being directed at me, which I do not have the financial resources for. I can only say that it involves lots of crime and all), and I totally totally hate myself for having indulged in such a sinful creation of Man.

At least I know I am forgiven.

Anyway, I shall be ending here, I just found out <---(yes that is a hyperlink) that 6pm is the best time to be running. A more elaborate account of my trip shall be posted soon, when studies are less of a worry.

Adios, people.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Day 6

Okay hey no story for this post, that's as far as I got with that storyline. I know I can develop it further, but well, I haven't. Haha. Ideally it would have been a full adventure, you-kick-my-ass-I-kick-yours kind, and in the end the dude saves the damsel in distress and stuff, BUT WITH A TWIST AT THE END. I have it in my head but gee, when will I ever get to use it?

Scheduled posts are awesome gee I can act as if I'm in Singapore when I'm not.

Anyway, just for all you soccer fans, EURO 2008 is free-to-air in Indonesia. HA! I swear Indonesian tv rocks. So much more originality and creativity in it too.

Okay so it's near the end of my trip now, and I guess it has to be a really enriching experience, one week out in the name of God. I do hope I'm a changed person by the time this post is published! Then I'll come back and be the salt and the light that God wants me to be (:

One thing for sure though, I MISS SINGAPORE D: okay lah I don't miss Singapore that much. I miss the people. Ha. Anyway I'm coming back tomorrow so I'll be updating tomorrow YAY no more scheduled posting!

TAKE CARE PEOPLE MUG HARD

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Story! part 3

Tracy saw Travis' autistic brother pull off a nearly-impossible flip in closed quarters at his entirely incoherent command, effectively disposing the threat caused by the advancing thug. She gasped in awe, in spite of the situation at hand, and wondered whether she would ever be able to execute a decent flip in her lifetime.

"Wow." The old lady hiding behind her blurted.

Tracy never had a chance to contemplate the possibility of her being sufficiently athletically-inclined to ever perform a standing flip within her lifespan. A sudden movement by the second thug grabbed Tracy's attention; he had raised his .38 and was preparing himself to shoot Travis' autistic brother. All fear and apprehension forgotten, Tracy rushed the thug from behind.

What if I don't make it in time? What if he shot me instead? Scores upon scores of what-ifs came to mind as she charged towards the thug, but these thoughts faded away as rapidly as they came.

Five steps away. She saw Travis' autistic brother staring blankly at the gun-wielding thug, arms held loosely at his sides, as if the gun posed no more danger to him than a slice of tasty cake.

Four steps away. The thug was taking aim, which was really unnecessary. It was a point blank shot, and not even a frail grandmother no more used to wielding a gun than a Playstation controller would have been able to miss the shot.

Three steps away. She heard the old woman behind her saying "Oh dear." and the cashier taking up the phone to call the police.

Two steps away. The gunman fired.

The bullet did not hit its intended target. Tracy gasped as the bullet hit Travis in the chest. Yes, she knew Travis. They were schoolmates at the local college once, and Tracy had once had a severe crush on Travis. Tall, kind, handsome, athletic and intelligent, Travis was the ideal guy back then in college. Now he looked no different, no less charming compared to his college days, only that he had a bullet wound on his chest.

Stunned by the shock but also unable to stop her reckless charge due to the sheer momentum of her progress, she crashed the gunman at full speed, sending the both of them into a shelf full of condiments. Fortunately for Tracy, the crash had sent the .38 flying to the other end of the shop, out of reach from both thugs. Now she had to deal with the thug hand-to-hand; a middle-aged, stout man against one pissed woman. Tracy kicked the thug once in the gut, taking advantage of the shock rendered to the man by the crash. Twice. She would have disposed of the thug entirely if he had not resorted to throwing bottles at her. Now the situation was reversed, and the hunter became the hunted. Tracy was hit many times under a barrage of cans and bottles. Retreating and covering her face with her hands, she stepped back hurriedly only to find herself at the other corner of the store, retreat blocked by a wall of candies. She glanced at Travis, then at Travis' autistic brother, at the same time wincing with pain as bottles and cans struck her everywhere.

I missed you, Travis. She thought as she fell to her knees to make herself a smaller target.

By the time the thug ran out of ammunition and the shower of mustard and ketchup relented, she was lying unconscious in a pool of sauce.

The thug, victorious, climbed to his feet in triumph and gave Tracy a look of disgust, after which he proceeded to empty the cash register into his rucksack. Sensing, feeling, knowing that nothing else in the store posed as a danger to him now, the thug turned around and took a glancing blow in the face.

"Ouch." The cashier blurted.

The old woman had struck the thug's head with the butt of the .38, effectively disposing of him.

Shocked by what she had done and also by the grisly, bloody scene in the store, (mostly ketchup and chili sauce), the old woman crumpled to her knees and fainted.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Story! part 2

Travis was awakened by the sound of Lenny whimpering like a lost dog.

"Lenny full. Cake. Travis help." Lenny had noticed Travis entering the room. Still surprised to hear Lenny looking him in the eye and speaking to him, Travis rubbed his eyes and slapped himself twice, once on each cheek. The pain was real, so he was not dreaming. Eager to not disappoint his brother and hoping to draw a conversation out of him, Travis hurried to the kitchen to get a slice of chocolate cake and a cup of water.

Lenny wolfed the cake down and asked for more (Less! Less!), but there was no more cake in the kitchen. Remembering the new advertisements made by 7-eleven, which had started selling cakes recently, Travis exclaimed "CAKE!" in glee and he sounded uncannily like Lenny. Not good. Travis then pulled the covers off Lenny and told him to follow.

"Cake here, Len. Come, follow."
"Come, follow." Lenny replied with a blank expression.
"Follow me to get cake, Len. Cake, me. Walk, cake."

In Lennyland, apparently, the opposite of walk was crawl. Lenny dropped to his knees and waited at Travis' foot. He'd forgotten.

"Stand!"

Lenny stood up and did a handstand, which surprised Travis so much that he nearly fell over with shock. Lenny's definition of words changed on a regular basis, and coherence was certainly not a way of life in Lennyland.

"Sit! Crawl!"

Lenny performed a flip with the gracefulness of a ballerina, landed firmly on his feet and started walking. If Lenny was one thing, he was highly obedient to his brother when he was responsive. Wordplay tackled, Travis started out of the house and towards 7-eleven, coaxing Lenny to follow him with mutters of "Crawl slow get cake".

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Tracy was still thinking about why things went all haywire on stage.

Finding no answer and suddenly reminded by the growling in her stomach that she had not eaten dinner due to the fear of regurgitating on stage, Tracy felt hungrier than ever. A quick search of the kitchen, however, revealed that the house was having a severe shortage of snacks.

7-eleven seemed like the only place in which she could satiate her hunger at this hour.

"Damn, I could eat a cow. Wish I could have some barbecued meat from that fat woman with the evil laugh in the third row though."

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Travis entered the 7-eleven, which was unusually crowded at 3 a.m. in the morning. There were two men shifting through the beer collection, an elderly woman walking aimlessly around the store, and an attractive but glum-looking young woman with blonde hair who was evidently starving, as she was carrying large boxes of crackers and a box of cake to the counter.

"Cake." Lenny drooled.
"Cake. Wait here. Stay. I mean, go!" Lenny stood motionless in response to this command, staring into the shelves.

The young woman was curiously staring at him. Travis nodded at her curtly, which drew a brilliant smile from her.

"Sorry if we're bothering you Miss, but my brother's autistic. He's largely incoherent most of the time." Travis said in a mild, apologetic tone.

Much to his surprise (and dismay), Lenny repeated after him.

"Sorry if we're bothering you Miss, but my brother's autistic. He's largely incoherent most of the time."

This unexpected response from Lenny drew much laughter in the store. Everyone had been listening in on their conversation. The mirth, although soothing the dreary winter night, did not last long. The two men drew revolvers from their coat pockets and shouted wildly, gesturing at the cashier to empty the register into a bag.

"SHUT UP AND NO TRYING TO CALL THE POLICE!" The thug shouted.
"SHUT UP!" Lenny shouted in response. Big trouble.
"Who do you think you are, kid? Shut the hell up!" Apparently the thug thought the 'autistic' part was just a joke, or that he did not have any consideration for people with mental differences. He was probably both of the cases listed above.
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Lenny echoed.
"I'm gonna rip yer guts out if you don't shut up!"
"SHUT UP!"

Travis watched with horror as the thug aimed a kick at Lenny, who was standing at the doorway, blocking the exit of the thugs.

"SIT, LENNY. SIT!" Travis shouted, remembering what the command had done just moments ago.

"Sit." Lenny said as he wheeled into the air like a seasoned acrobat, booting the thug in the face as he did so. The thug immediately fell, groaning in pain and cursing like a sailor, holding his face in his hands. Travis swore that if Lenny had learnt this colourful language and used it even once, he would rip the guts out of this thug which had corrupted Lenny vocabulary with those profanities.

"Wow." The old lady gaped at Lenny in awe.

Then Travis noticed the other thug, gun raised, ready to dispose of the autistic acrobat. Everything seemed to slow down at that moment, and Travis saw the thug pulling the trigger even as he jumped in front of Lenny to shield him from the deadly bullet. He saw the expression of fear and frustration on the gunman's face. He saw the shocked expressions of the old lady and the young woman. He saw the bullet twist and turn. He saw the bullet going into his chest, creating a bloody hole. Feeling no pain but knocked over by the impact, his vision blurred. The last thing he saw was Lenny's face, blurred, but he swore he could see tears falling from Lenny's eyes.

I love you, buddy.

He blacked out.

*end of part 2*

Monday, June 09, 2008

Story! part 1

The night sky never looked that depressing to Travis Burns. In fact it had never even looked the slightest bit of bleak before that, never even suggested melancholy, heck, it sometimes even looked happier than the days which preceded it. Now the moon hung in the sky, looking much less happy than it looked ominous. Travis believed strongly- almost to the point of obsession- that his mind was the ultimate stronghold against the cares and woes of the world, that the power of positive thinking could take him out of every predicament he faced. Now this belief was gradually fading away from him, and he did not know the reason why.

"Day is cold. Lenny needs snow." A dismal voice came to Travis from somewhere outside the room.

Lenny was Travis' brother. A good-natured, movie-loving and highly intellectual person capable of regurgitating the contents of a large portion of an encyclopaedia, but nonetheless as unique as a brother could get. Lenny was autistic, living in his own world most of the time- Lennyland, as Travis called it, where the whole human race (numbering only one, to be precise) ate only wheat and dairy products and brushed their teeth at least five times a day, ten minutes each- and living in evasion of the 'real' world. Although Lenny was capable of verbal communication, he rarely utilised that gift. On any normal day, an attempt to start a conversation with Tom would be as fruitless as trying to find snow in the Sahara desert, for Lenny only was slightly more responsive than a rock at his best. Travis himself had only heard Lenny actually speaking to him, not at him, less than ten times in the span of ten years. Travis was not the only person who could care for Lenny, but he was the only person in the whole world (other than charities filled with benevolent volunteers) who would take care of Lenny since their parents' deaths.

Every single day was a challenge when you had an autistic brother, but Travis had relied, utilised, and survived on the strength of positive thinking. He loved Lenny more than anything in the world, and although many have laughed at him, scorned him, advised him to place Lenny in a 'first-class facility', he had loved Lenny even more with each passing day. The power of positive thinking.

Travis loved his brother too much to let him suffer in the oh-so-damaging chill of the winter, and he hurriedly shook himself off the couch to tend to his brother. It took no more than ten seconds to find Lenny, who was sitting on his bed and staring at the ceiling, as though there was something there which was more of an interest than a blank piece of paper. As Travis entered the room, Lenny suddenly burst into a rapid, slurred speech.

"Cold, very cold. Freezing. Terrible cold. Lenny wants snow."

Travis had had enough of Lenny's incoherent speech to be able to know what he was trying to say. Well, sometimes Lenny spoke in opposites, and in this case "cold" meant "hot". "Snow" was just Lenny's word for "air-conditioner". It did not take a genius to figure this particular wordplay though, because Lenny was dressed as if he was part of a research crew in the realms of Antartica when the night was not cold enough to even freeze a puddle of water, let alone a man. Lenny, however, resisted all of Travis' persistent efforts to remove his winter gear ("HOT! HOT!") and trashed with all his might, kicking Travis a few times in the struggle. Just when Travis was about to give up, Lenny stopped trashing and fell into a deep slumber with a peaceful expression on his face, showing no signs of awareness of the struggle just seconds ago.

Sighing with relief, Travis removed the winter gear and replaced them with a blanket, saying a prayer and silently wishing for a miracle.

-----------------------------------------------------

Tracy Dunn could not imagine a bigger failure than being booed by a crowd on her first performance, and she certainly could not take the blow when it actually happened. Fortunately for her, she had enough grit in her to be able to leave the stage in a manner by which she thought graceful before breaking down backstage. Everyone said that life was unfair, everyone said that it was a tough career, but she never knew that it could be that tough.

She never knew it could be such a bitch.

That night, she could not sleep, and it was nothing to do with the mild winter temperatures. As far as she could remember, she had always wanted to be a comedian. She had grown up in a family full of tender loving care, and she wanted to share the gift of laughter to those who have not been as lucky as her. She wanted to brighten up their lives by making them laugh, and she wanted to touch their lives. Her humour was- at least it was supposed to be- full of meaning, giving the average person not only ephemeral laughter, but also food for thought. Apparently thought had no longer played a part in people's lives, for they had mercilessly cut her down with their vicious strokes of insult for trying to help them.

Life is such a bitch sometimes, she thought. Cares and woes roam the Earth, but the door of hope was always there as an escape. Now Life was kind enough to slam that door on Tracy's face.

At least I still have windows to look for.

Tracy lay down on her bed, dream shattered, and continued brooding over the night's failure. She thought of how she would survive the next day without hope to push her on, and she wondered what kind of windows she would find, whether they had locks on it or not.


*end of part 1*

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Day 2

KPC people, you guys leaving for Malacca today right? Hey, enjoy the camp! People like, cough, me. Want to go also no chance. Haha. Anyway, it's my second day away from Singapore and I bet all hopes of my nuffnang cost per unique visitor feature is down the drain. Getting constantly more than 20 readers a day is difficult like mad! I could use a poisson distribution to approximate the probability of getting at least 20 people a day 1-P(X<20) but oh what the heck.

You must be wondering why I'm so off track with this post. Ohwell it's 3am now typing this message a few days ago from when you're reading this. Sleepy and definitely hungry. Bad combo. A hungry man is an angry man. So he blogs. Woohoo.

I'm dead sleepy now, but somehow something keeps me up. Maybe because of the songs I'm listening to HA Switchfoot o.O Anyway thanks Lameia for the song dedication on 98.7 the other day! HAHA YOU DIDN'T SOUND LAUGHABLE LAH.

Anyway, with a sprained ankle I don't think I'll be able to exercise much, even when I get back from the mission trip D: which means that I'll be growing fat and all within the next week or so. Hurrah!

GOD BLESS YOU ALL! HOPE MY TRIP IS GOING WELL LOL TOMORROW WE'RE TAKING PLANE TO PEKANBARU!! YES I CAN MEET MY COUSINS THERE.

Oh, and I wrote a story! Well, part of it anyway. This was part of a "thriller" I was writing, and I was hoping I'd make it a book, but I haven't been able to keep writing due to time commitments. Hope you guys like it I'll publish it in bits from tomorrow on!

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Leaving

So today is the day I left for Indonesia with the team from Spiritual Grace Presbyterian Church for the mission/evangelical trip. We're probably be safe and sound in Batam by the time you read this post, HOPEFULLY. Pray for all of us, for God to bless us with a safe trip there and back on the 13th. To Batam, well, it's by ferry from the Singapore Cruise Centre and about an hour and a half tops across a small bit of the sea.

At this point of time when I'm typing this post, at 2.30am of Friday June the 6th, lethargic and all, I can't help but look forward to the coming experience. I'm wondering why I'm looking forward to the trip so much. Maybe because it's my first time going on such a trip. Maybe because I won't be studying much. Maybe because I'll be making new friends. Maybe it's just an escape from my problems at the moment. Maybe it's consolation for not being able to go for church camp. Whatever it is, I'm on it and I'm going to make the best out of it. I trust that God will guide the group!

We will be in Batam for two days before we leave for Pekanbaru for the inland trip. I don't know what we're doing yet, but I'm sure there's always something useful to do. If there's really nothing to do, I could go running, play guitar, read GP (D:) etc. Nothing to worry about! Also, I'm sure that the experience will be a life-changing one. Maybe I'll come back with new perspectives, and hopefully a reduction in skin thickness. Gee. I desperately need a shift in point of view, and what Zham was telling me the other day, about the true nature of things or whatever zen-ish stuff, it really is quite true. When you look at it the right way, your problems now could be helping you in the long run.

That's about it, come again tomorrow! I'll have another post published on time everyday at 9am.

BYE SINGAPORE I'LL BE BACK IN A WEEK! AND FRIENDS, I'LL MISS YOU GUYS D:

Anyway, check this out. Thanks to YH I'm hooked.

Wow. Packing feels pretty good.

Just went down to collect the mail, and hey I noticed. The air at midnight has this subtle yet distinct scent.

Pleasant.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Right.

So today I tried learning vectors, which Damian quoted as "very easy" for him. D: If only I was tested on stuff that I have a bit of aptitude on, like softball, maybe I could be doing pretty well for my exams. For now, though, I'm just hitting all the batters who stand in my way. HA.

Anyway, went to watch Prince Caspian today and it was pretty okay. Battle scenes could have been better but I guess since the intended audience = children, they're already showing too much violence. Big deal though, as if the kids won't see violence anywhere else. The plot had many flaws in it, just too many inherent flaws, but the producers did a pretty good job by actually pulling it off.

$6+$2.70+$1.50+$1.10+$2= $13.30

OMG.

Anyway, while I'm away for the mission/evangelical trip from 7th to 13th, my blog will still RUN. I'll have a scheduled update EVERY SINGLE DAY (I hope) haha so KEEP CHECKING!

Ciaos people!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Love, is giving others the power to hurt you, and trusting them not to.

Living Is Simple

Today was a pretty good day, hey. Met up with Yuan Hong to study and it happened that Toh Ming Xuan and Eddie Ang could come too. Its been ages since I last saw them, much less talk to them. Ha. Edmund Teo and You Jin came along too not long after. That was what I freakin' missed so much about secondary school; the people who you can relate to and feel comfortable doing what you like. Damn it felt good to have them around.

I studied an acceptable amount, given my 4-day hiatus over the weekend and yesterday. It's just that I haven't really got the hang of all the variance stuff. More practise needed. Anyway I'm going to start running again tonight, after buying all the stuff I need to hang on while Mum's away. Wonder where I should run.

Life's alright, only when I don't think about things. I guess it's a skill I need to learn. I shouldn't let others affect me. Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy once said, "If you want to be happy, be." Wow. He makes it sound so simple, and at the same time he makes me wonder whether it really is that easy to be happy.

Is it that simple?

Maybe it is, maybe not. It's pretty difficult for me to evaluate. I know the key to true happiness, and it's God. Key's lying right there on the table. All I have to do is pick it up and open the door...

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Living Is Simple - Switchfoot

Living is simple
It's gravity
Gravity isn't so hard
Living is simple
it's entropy
Entropy, falling apart
I'm falling apart again

Living is simple
And breathing is easy
it's easy to do
Living is simple
And losing is easy
I'm losing my cool
I'm losing my cool again

All will be made well
Will be made well
Will be made well
Will be well

Is this fiction?
Is this fiction?
Hope has given himself to the world
Is this fiction or divine comedy
Where the last of the last finish first
Living is simple

Living is dying
Your mercy, Your mercy
Is how I believe
Living is dying
I can't understand it
I'm down on my knees
Confessing my needs again

I've had my choices
I've chosen today
I've had my choices
The choices remain

I think we walked into it with totally different definitions of the word.

Banana watermelon chocolate pies with strawberry and sodium monoglutamate plus instant noodle toppings

DAMN IT WHY DO I HAVE TO END UP CENSORING WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY.

Monday, June 02, 2008

weird

Haha this weekend was weird. Really really weird. Gosh.
Friday was weird because I suddenly didn't feel bad about spending a not-so-small sum of money.
Saturday was weird because Synod Youth Games was weird. Overwhelmingly difficult, seemingly pointless and definitely exhausting.
Sunday was weird because it was the fun-nest time I have ever had with Cat High Alumni (lynx) in a league match.

I managed to catch up a bit with Marcus Tan recently, on Saturday. Even though it was an online chat it felt great to know that I'm not forgotten, but it also made me feel guilty for not being able to appreciate these old friends that I have. Darn. Anyway, quote Marcus (hope you don't mind)

-----------------------------------
Marcus says:
haha we all have our struggles

Marcus says:
its quite hard to adapt

Marcus says:
cus, its pretty damned different
-----------------------------------

And, I pretty damned agree. Gee. It has been a real struggle for me to adapt to the new life I have now compared to what I had in Catholic High. Now what, I'm just getting used to JC life and the A levels are just around the corner. Not just that, anyway. The problems bugging me just keep multiplying... Sometimes I really feel like I can't do this, I want to end this right now, but I know it isn't the right way out of the problem. Frustrating, when the old problems come back to haunt me, and the not-so-old problems too.

GOD SAVE ME D:

-----------------------------------

Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth