Sheep happens.

Friday, November 30, 2007

For All The "Not So Right" Reasons.

Many times we do things for all the wrong reasons, consciously or not, most of the time involuntarily. It fully dawned upon me today that the society that we have created for ourselves is a road of unchecked self-delusion that winds boundlessly into the abyss of idiocy. Pure folly. People rarely ever bother to search this fact, what more understand it. Personally, almost every external event that we attend would most likely be classified as "done for the wrong reasons".

Take for an example, school. How many students today go to school with the mindset that school would be what helps them to a brighter future? We don't even need a survey to know the results. Some students go to school to have fun with their friends, some go to school because their parents would get angry if they didn't. How would one be able to benefit fully from an activity, if his focus is set upon another objective? The system now is based on conformity, setting the standards for what society deems as a "success". This results in a very clear and unnerving (for me, at least) division of societal levels. "Success" causes complacency to set in. A "successful" person might not be able to understand the meaning of suffering. Ask any student today for their definition of suffering, and they would probably come up with something related to their studies and relationships.

Who today would ever start thinking first about others' suffering?

Let us take something related to school for another example. I often see the cleaner uncle in school all alone, cleaning the mess that we students create. Do we even know how hard it must be to clean every inch of the canteen, over and over again? We surely don't, or we wouldn't be messing the whole place up all the time. The birds add salt to the wound. As if it isn't enough work to do, we dirty the place even more thoroughly with all our empty plates and undisposed rubbish. Does anyone understand the pains of a cleaner? Their lives are tough enough. Why do we have to complicate it further? Why can't we just make life easier for others?

Yes, "success" is something. It just means that you've got a piece of paper in your portfolio that would give you a high-paying job. "Success", however, does not make you any better a human than a cleaner. Respect is indispensable when we cross the paths of any human on the surface of this planet. If you paid your maid a salary, it would not make her any lesser a human. These people have feelings, they have their own problems, and they just haven't been allowed the chance for a better life.

"Success" is overrated. People think of it as a passport to a higher standard of living and a superior level of humanity. Aye to the former; the latter's nonsense. Why can't we all just make an effort to be truly successful?

It was really an eye-opening experience today during the practice game over at the high school side. The two sides were engaged in a see-saw battle which raged for seven full innings. Yes, I used the right word there. Raged. There was a lot of unpleasant talk and illogical bluntness going around throughout the game. If I were a stranger and if not for their costumes, I would have so easily taken them as two different teams.

One side was playing small ball. Almost a full bunting game for them, and they relished every instance where errors occured. Every error will elicit a string of unpleasant taunts and laughter. I have never seen teammates jeer and taunt each other as much as them, which led me to wonder about what caused the rift to widen between the group of people.

My answer was one side's desire to win. They wanted to win so much that they sacrificed others' feelings for it. They were so drunk with the desire to win that nothing else mattered for them, because if they lost, they would feel inferior. People never want to feel inferior to others.

Especially others who are supposedly "weaker" than them.

The competition is raging elsewhere, everywhere in the world today. The rat race is unfolding in workplaces, schools and even homes. Bad grades in school would result in contemn from the people around. A failed transaction would signal that you lost the race. Going to a neighbourhood school would be seen as a reason to say that you're not as good as your sibling. Everyone's racing, everyone's fighting and everyone's under fire from everyone else.

Survival instinct is intrinsic in every human being, but when it is allowed to take over, survival instinct does not only want survival. It wants dominance and power. Do not let it propagate within you.

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Apparently I still have lots to say. This post will be continued...

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Empty

Let's just say something tells me things aren't as flowery as I thought it was. As all things go with me, they rarely really end nicely. This feeling never signals anything good, actually. I've always been proven right on that point. Oh gosh I'd be happy if I could be proven wrong this time. Dead overjoyed.

The holidays are going pretty slowly. Damn. I know it's going to be over before I know it though. Better start trying to do something useful, while my brother is playing his days away after the A levels...

My mind's pretty empty right now. Quite a common phenomenon but also a rarity, if you can pardon the irony. My writing's going down the drain, and my ideas are draining out through that exact same drain. Hopeless, I say.

In view of that emptiness in my head. This post ends right here.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Back for the moment

Back after a week in Jakarta. Somehow the city seems pretty messy now that the busways are in place. Seeing all that traffic jam reminded me of econs' dead weight loss. Must count in the millions.

To tell the truth, I was just getting used to living there. Ironic, I know, since it was the place I called home for eight whole years of my childhood. Life in Jakarta is almost totally different now, or maybe its just me. Feels pretty weird to be back in Singapore anyway.

Had a minor operation back in Indonesia, which explains why I have not been able to start training as soon as I got back (yesterday night), and I probably wouldn't be able to train for a bit. To top it all up I still have to disappear for a month.

So yeah, I'm writing them Christmas cards already. I definitely won't be in Singapore for almost the whole period of December, so when you (keep hoping you'll get a card) get the card, please wait till Christmas to open it? Haha. Yeah. I probably won't get to see everyone I'm going to give the card to. Dang. That makes my job really difficult. Hmm. Maybe I have to set one day aside to deliver them Christmas cards myself.

On the remarks that I'm going to get an A for GP, ohplease. I cannot write well under pressure at all. My writings are substandard nowadays anyway haha, just take a look at all the recent posts.

I realised that I have deteriorated in many aspects, and yet at the same time improving in some. Is this what the road to maturity looks like? The road to adulthood? Adolescence is a dream. A beautiful dream, blotched only by your self-doubts and excessive worrying. I see that. The people around. They change drastically. They become the so-called "adults". I don't want to become one.

Which is why I dread graduating from JC. Once I get out, the society's going to pat me on the back and tell me that I'm an "adult". Tell me that I'm good enough to fight for myself. All my friends go their own way. I go my own way. Everyone goes out to fight for their own future.

Once that happens, oh gosh. I shall be lonely. Lonely but unyielding. Hoping that life would return to its original state once I'm done with my career. Deep down, though, I know that I'll never be the same person again. The people around me will be different. Things change, people change. You always think that you're the same, but maybe you're the one who changed most.

Which leaves me with the determination to squeeze every moment of J2 life dry of elation. Not tears of despair, but rivers of resolve. Aye Dr Ross.

To the people concerned (it's probably you. Yes, you. The one reading this. If you bothered to read all the way till this paragraph you're probably someone nice enough for me to miss lol), I missed you while I was away.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Let Bygones be Bygones

I shouldn't have. I really shouldn't have fallen into that trap. There's totally no use getting all sad and worked up over boredom and idleness, because I do have things to do.

Work's all piled up on the desk. Cloud's waiting for me to help him kill Sephiroth. I still have not mastered either hiragana or katakana, much less kanji. iTunes has 574839203483 album arts for me to search. I have lots of anime to draw.

What do I have to be sad about for now?

No friends? No one to accompany me?

I have my books, my playstation, my Japanese to learn, my pictures to draw, my blog to rant, my diary to write, my God to pray. What do I have to fear?

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Home?

It really can get frustrating at times, when you feel like you're being pushed around; when the future's always uncertain. Oh well. It was a frustrating two weeks, but God does have ways to pick me up. Hmm. I just wonder how long that trip would last me, because now I think I'd probably be bored and idle again tomorrow.

I don't know what to say, really. Am I supposed to just remain stagnant and unmoving until the next move God makes, or am I supposed to go out there to find out what I need to do next? Even if the answer's the latter, where do I go?

Yeah. I'd probably be better off trying to get used to living a slow, boring life alone like what I'm doing now. Find somewhere to go now and then when others feel like it, remain alone when others don't feel like seeing me. Since when does my vote count anyway? Maybe only with God. Hey. You know the feeling, when you know that you have to do the right thing, but you can't? I'm full of it every single day.

A friendship is like a house, with you and your friend living in it. You have to maintain and take care of that house, both you and your friend, for things to work out. Both sides have to give, and both sides have to clean the house up. Both sides have to furnish the house, make it comfortable for the both of you. For the friendship to bloom, you both have to transform the house into a home.

Most importantly, I'd like to quote the saying, "Home is where the heart is". To transform your "house" into a home, keep the friendship in your heart, always. That way you can never go wrong.

So where the hell did I go wrong?

Is it my fault that the other side refuses to preserve my friendship? Or is it my fault for not being persistent enough? Yeah. People change. You and me. We all change. Sadly though, memories stay, and that's what makes separation unbearably painful. If I had a choice, maybe I'd choose never to have crossed your path. I'd probably experience less pain in my life.

Maybe pain is good. Maybe pain's a devil. Maybe I'm like pain.

Maybe I'm perfect. Maybe I'm an idiot. Go figure which one I am.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

The Perfect Imperfect

Alright, here goes nothing.

I've been doing nothing seriously useful these holidays. Period. All the time is going into a solitary hunt for entertainment, where others rarely play a part or even make a dent in my action plans. I realise that all the while, softball is the one thing that keeps me from straying off. Having had to stop training because of my injured leg, it became somewhat clear to me that constant activity has somehow integrated itself into my life. I have to do something. I cannot stop until I'm exhausted. Being idle is a waste of your life.

Every second, I know, is precious. The problem is that I cannot bring myself to do what people deem as "useful", like studying. Even worse, I find no companionship for the things I want to do. Yeah, yeah. I can't even have proper fun.

If holidays really actually mean solitary confinement, I'd rather study all year. Exhaustion is so much more satisfying than idleness. Yeah, friends leave their mark in your life. How many, though, bother to constantly touch your life?

How many people derive their joy from your smile and your happiness?

Few. Maybe even none.

Maybe it's just Singapore. Maybe it's just the cold, hard world we're living in now.

I don't know how many times I have pondered over this question, but the only logical solution that comes to mind is to live off memories. Memories of the good times, memories of the jokes, the laughs, the joy, how we overcame the sorrows. Sadly, though, these memories can never come along with the realisation that your friends aren't what they used to be anymore. Or maybe you're the one who changed. The realisation that hey, your friends aren't there with you anymore. It's painful. New friends come, but they just can't take that space in your heart that was occupied by what you thought would be someone who'd fight with you to the end.

Maybe it was all just self-delusion in the first place. What does it matter now that it's gone? All you can do is to brace yourself for the uncertainty ahead. There are times in life when you feel invincible, like nothing can break you down, but you'll fall sooner or later. There are times in life when it seems that everything is going wrong, but you know the bad times won't last.

Maybe all we have to do is to find a middleground for us to live our lives in. What priorities do we set for ourselves? What do you value? Where does your happiness come from?

"Happiness" often comes from attainment. Yeah, I'll feel "happy" if I get four 'A's for A-levels, but is that really happiness? How do we find that happiness that truly lasts a lifetime? Pure joy and happiness come from faith and an unquenchable fountain of hope within, from peace and the love of peace, and from the ability to derive elation from the simplest of things. That stage would be what I call, "spiritual enlightenment".

Sometimes I feel it. Yeah. I feel it coming by, patting my shoulders for just a moment. Whatever I do, though, I cannot make it stay, and I know why it won't stay with me. It is like a flash of the past, often coming back to spur you on, often coming back to remind you of your faults.

Our faults are many, but how many people can say they tried their utmost best to right their wrongs?

The society now seems to thrive on human imperfections. Why can't we all thrive on perfection instead? Perfection does not have to be ideally perfect. What we're talking here is human perfection. If you're the perfect pitcher, it doesn't mean you have to pitch a perfect game every time.

If you're a perfect human, you don't have to be perfect.

You have to try, you have to know that you've tried so hard to live every breath of your life to your best, pursuing moral perfection and aiding your community. You have to try so hard to eradicate all your selfish thoughts, all your negative thoughts.

At the end of it all, you might have sinned. Alright. You might have cursed someone particularly annoying. Fine. You might have let your community down. Okay. But if in your heart, you know how much effort you have put in to perfect yourself, take heart.

You're the perfect human being, perfection born of imperfections.

Us humans, we're not perfect to start with, but we can be. That's where pure happiness can be found I say.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Cast in Stone Crutches

Oh stoopidy doodly crap. Somehow I managed to get myself another major injury, the second one in two years, and this one left me unable to walk. All the time spent at home either wasting myself away on the computer or doing nothing.

Amazing how immobility leaves you feeling almost entirely powerless. You have to walk around with the help of crutches, you can't sit around without propping your leg up, and you can't even bathe standing up. It's such a bother. The worst thing is when your mother tells you to stop using the computer. How am I supposed to spend my time like that? I can't read 70% of my time away, and I draw with the aid of the computer. For now, the computer's like my third leg, the only thing that's keeping me in contact with the rest of the world. Of course, the phone is another useful tool I have, but who in the world messages me?

It is at these times that I wonder what the future holds. Suppose a fire starts next door and spreads over, what is my escape plan? (Oh crap I have to think of a plan) It's like being trapped in prison, where the other inmates (people like my brother, although he is being locked up in a different cell called 'A' levels) come and go freely. I'm the only one trapped in the miserable cell without a key... Can't help feeling useless, can't help feeling abandoned, can't help being envious of others, can't stand the fact that my mobility is lost for now. Mobility means a lot to someone like me.

Sports, movement, action. All these I had at my disposal just a few days ago.

And now its 4-8 weeks away...

Oh well. I am not one to ask for pity. If I am going to spend my month away not even getting to see a friend, so be it. I, for one, do not deny weakness though. It does get lonely sometimes...

Saw this set of lyrics somewhere (don't ask me where), found it really moving.

Don't Laugh at Me

I'm a little boy with glasses
The one they call the geek
A little girl who never smiles
'Cause I've got braces on my teeth
And I know how it feels
To cry myself to sleep

I'm that kid on every playground
Who's always chosen last
A single teenage mother
Tryin' to overcome my past
You don't have to be my friend
But is it too much to ask

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

I'm the cripple on the corner
You've passed me on the street
And I wouldn't be out here beggin'
If I had enough to eat
And don't think I don't notice
That our eyes never meet

I lost my wife and little boy when
Someone crossed that yellow line
The day we laid them in the ground
Is the day I lost my mind
And right now I'm down to holdin'
This little cardboard sign...so

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

I'm fat, I'm thin, I'm short, I'm tall
I'm deaf, I'm blind, hey, aren't we all

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

Just remembering the scenes in my mind where people laughed at those in pain, or those who are less privileged than them. If the world learnt just this value, so much suffering would disappear from the face of the Earth today.

I'm just glad that I still have some mobility. Maybe someone could take me out to a movie or something (an activity that does not require standing. Oh! Kbox o.O) .. For those who read "Tuesdays with Morrie" out there, yes I can still wipe my bottom.

I'm in bed but I'm not dead. Enough for now though. Do a good deed everyday you.