Sheep happens.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

20+ days

Yeah. That's about all the time we have before the final battle (for the academic year of 2007, that is) and do our utmost best to save our own posteriors from the oh-so-hard kicks aimed at them.

Strictly speaking, we have about 5 days per subject? Something like that. Many a desperate student have started to cram their seemingly non-porous skulls with overdue information, while others resign themselves to the workings of Fate himself.

I, personally, find myself caught up in between these two extremes.

Some days I feel like I should devour my notes, while on other days I just feel like sitting down and not doing anything at all.

Some common mantras among students at this time of the year would be:

"Die lah."
"I'm screwed."
"Omgomgomg 20 plus days left only leh!"
"Retain liao lah."
"Walau careless mistake again, dumb lah."

Alright, I admit that the last one is a personal mantra I have taken to chanting during desperate math revision sessions. I personally find it really worrying, the fact that sometimes I seem not to be able to tell a positive sign from a negative sign at all.

With all that's been said (and not done), I have one message, and pardon the pun.

Go figure. (math is a very important subject)

Monday, August 27, 2007

When the past catches up with you..

Okay. So global warming may or may not be a natural phenomenon, because the always-shallow me has conveniently left out the possibility of the unprecedentedly high CO2 levels in the atmosphere. Combined with the loss of the Seattle Mariners against the Texas Rangers yesterday, (and a possible one today, Mariners are trailing 1-3 in the seventh inning) my mood really really has to plunge into the immeasurable depths of negativity.

Again, I wonder why I am still feeling relatively okay. Alright. My life does not just revolve around environmental problems and the M's.

Before I say anything else, though, I would like to quote that the large hole in the ozone layer has patched up, all in the span of a mere decade or so. Now who said the environment is beyond rescue?

People say my posts are long and dry and everything unhappy. I am not so sure about this. Many posts were written in much happiness and many smiles (although admittedly some posts were written with much frustration), and even though most of these are just the supposedly "intellectually-stimulating" writings which I have little or no capacity for, I take pride in what I write.

Jo <3 his writings. Jo <3 his writings. They give him an escape into the past, and they often show him the way to go. They show him what his growing up process is like.

If you are interested enough to find out more about me (which is an undertaking I seriously doubt anyone will be interested in, but just for the sake of justifying myself), surf through my older posts. See how the kid grows up. See how little Jo saw life, and see how he sees life now. See how he changes (for the worse or for the better, I do not know, but he did change). By reading, seeing, watching little Jo grow up, you can almost see the path which lay ahead of him.

Almost.

He fights and he wavers. He loves life one moment and hates it the next. He thinks too deeply, then he thinks too shallowly. He snags knowledge, and then he misses out on it. He is elated, and then he is down in the dumps. One day he is ignorant, and the next day he is a Captain Planet.

That is just how things are with me.

Writing about myself in third person is quite fun.

So where is Life taking me to now? Where is Life taking everybody?

I miss my relatives back in Indonesia. My grandmother came here on transit the other day, and when I saw her I suddenly realised just how much I loved and missed her. I have lost much time with her and my grandfather, and I feel really guilty for not having done my fullest part as a grandson.

When I met her, I saw how frail she had become; how time was wearing her out slowly but surely. I very nearly wept at the very sight of her. I was sorry. I was so sorry for something I had no say in, I was sorry for the inevitable. I was sorry that I was not there all these years, when I should have been if not for the riots. I was sorry for having left them for so long, for letting them attribute their love of me only to memories, and for not letting them see me when they miss me.

Somehow I know they are with me, thinking about me and missing me, and I hope the same applies to them.

I just hope everything will go fine...

Thursday, August 23, 2007

true or false?

I read this article that global warming is just a theory.

The world goes on a hot-cold cycle ranging through millions of years, and we're just unfortunate enough to live in a time of the transition. True or false?

This hypothesis is just about as reliable as the Big Bang theory. Better be safe than sorry though.

SO KEEP REDUCING, REUSING, RECYCLING AND DOING THINGS TO SAVE THE EARTH.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Monday Morning Slugfest

Seattle mowed the White Sox flat while the math test murdered me.

I was playing well into the game with 2 shutout questions when the differentiation question blasted a grand slam into the far right of the stadium. Then the slugfest began. I think I conceded more than 20 marks out of a possible 30. What a nightmare. At least its over though, but there still is a long day to go...

Been trying to stay relatively cheerful all these times, and thankfully I had no single opportunity to force it the least bit. I had multitudes of reasons to be all cheerful and I snagged each one of them with insatiable hunger for elation, which made a pretty good weekend even though I spent the large part of it solving math problems and going for tuition.

Somewhere just marginally shy of 40 days before the promos, I am already feeling a tad worried for my promotional status. Small daily class tests (and of course lecture tests) have so kindly composed a score that reveals almost holistically my throngs of academic inadequacies, and I am afraid that the score I am composing for myself has an identical tune. Wisdom and prudence calls for a personal review of these scores to pick out the flaws, and to transform them failures into shards of stark brilliance.

I have to do it all in less than 40 days.

So many things can be done within the span of 40 days, maybe even tasks of brobdingnagian proportions, but why am I not confident of devouring the entire J1 syllabus within these 40 days? I wonder.

Time permits that I ace my promos. So why am I not embracing the gift that has been so generously bestowed upon me?

I have to reorganise... Time is accomodating my pleas for help, and it is only I that obstruct the progress towards success...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

CAPTAIN PLANET.

HEY ALL YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE!

GLOBAL WARMING IS GOING TO KILL US REAL SOON IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED!

• The rate of warming is increasing. The 20th century's last two decades were the hottest in 400 years and possibly the warmest for several millennia, according to a number of climate studies. And the United Nations' Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) reports that 11 of the past 12 years are among the dozen warmest since 1850.

• Arctic ice is rapidly disappearing, and the region may have its first completely ice-free summer by year 2040 or earlier. Polar bears and indigenious cultures already suffering from the sea-ice loss.

We don't need to wait for governments to solve this problem: each one of us can bring an important help adopting a more responsible lifestyle: starting from little, everyday things. It's the only reasonable way to save our planet, before it is too late.

Here are some green tips to help save our Earth!

Do not leave appliances on standby
Use the "on/off" function on the machine itself. A TV set that's switched on for 3 hours a day (the average time Europeans spend watching TV) and in standby mode during the remaining 21 hours uses about 40% of its energy in standby mode.

Move your fridge and freezer
Placing them next to the cooker or boiler consumes much more energy than if they were standing on their own. For example, if you put them in a hot cellar room where the room temperature is 30-35ºC, energy use is almost double and causes an extra 160kg of CO2 emissions for fridges per year and 320kg for freezers.

Use the washing machine only when it is full
If you need to use it when it is half full, then use the half-load or economy setting. There is also no need to set the temperatures high. Nowadays detergents are so efficient that they get your clothes clean at low temperatures.

Take a shower instead of a bath
A shower takes up to four times less energy than a bath. To maximise the energy saving, avoid power showers and use low-flow showerheads, which are cheap and provide the same comfort.

Use less hot water
It takes a lot of energy to heat water. You can use less hot water by installing a low flow showerhead (350 pounds of carbon dioxide saved per year) and washing your clothes in cold or warm water (500 pounds saved per year) instead of hot.

Be sure you’re recycling at home
You can save 2,400 pounds of carbon dioxide a year by recycling half of the waste your household generates.

Choose products that come with little packaging and buy refills when you can
You will also cut down on waste production and energy use! As well, buy recycled paper products: it takes less 70 to 90% less energy to make recycled paper and it prevents the loss of forests worldwide.

Reduce waste
Most products we buy cause greenhouse gas emissions in one or another way, e.g. during production and distribution. By taking your lunch in a reusable lunch box instead of a disposable one, you save the energy needed to produce new lunch boxes.

Buy fresh foods instead of frozen and eat less meat
Frozen food uses 10 times more energy to produce than fresh foods. By the way, did you know that the energy used to produce 1kg of meat is enough to let you drive a car for 3 hours? Methane is the second most significant greenhouse gas and cows are one of the greatest methane emitters. Their grassy diet and multiple stomachs cause them to produce methane, which they exhale with every breath.

BE A CAPTAIN PLANET TODAY! :)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

SAVE THE EARTH!!!

http://www.avaaz.org/blog/en/w/ben/2007/08/bushs_awful_climate_plan.php

Oh. My. Gosh.

If I can get proof that everything written inside is true, I am so going to skip my lunches everyday to donate.

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I have to say that the ability to write is one of the nicest gifts God has given me (other than some of Mum's home-cooked coolness of course). I can pour out anything that's going on in my mind without any restrictions. Unlike blogging, it allows me to really express certain feelings I cannot share with the world, and it really is a huge blessing. Of course I can always pray about it, but somehow it just feels really different when I'm putting it down black on white.

I just reread some of my previous diary entries from months and years ago, and blimey, it felt like retracing the path I walked and walking through it one more time. I "watched" myself grow up again, since the first time I wrote into the diary. I was really childish then :) I guess I'll look back a few years later and find myself a really stupid guy now. Whatever! It feels great!

Post again soon...

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sick!

Gosh don't sicknesses take loads out of you. Whatever you say, it took lots out of me.

Praying...

Monday, August 13, 2007

YOYOYO!

There always comes a time when you find that you need some reassurance and encouragement from the people around you. There comes a time when you need to know that others are around to help you out of that ordeal. Many people are not so lucky to get these ostensibly simple things.

There always comes a time when you are down, and you need someone to help you get back up on your feet. There comes a time when friendship seems futile and life seems meaningless. No one can rid themselves of these things easily.

I am a really lucky person.

The change did not propagate itself in an instant, nor did it create an explosive reaction within me. It was progressive, rooting itself slowly in me while I got about my daily routines, and suddenly I saw. No explanation for it, there probably is but its beyond my grasp, but I just started seeing the light. I started seeing everything beautiful around me. Family, friends, the well-lit pathway that my life is supposed to go through.

I love these people in my life. Its simple, and risking myself sounding like a zen master, and yet it is profound beyond description. They are of utmost importance to me because they love me for who I am, and that is a priceless gift beyond the all the riches of the world. Infected by a plethora of positive thoughts now. I know this feeling is all ephemeral, but I will do my best to retain it within me for as long as I can. Even if it disappears, though, I know that it will come again.

Just like how it never rains for too long, and just how the Sun has to give way to the moon. Its all good.

Life may bring its own set of troubles and sorrows with it, and you have to fight. Fight with the knowledge of eventual victory, and fight with the knowledge that these troubles would not last long. Good times will come sooner or later, you just have to be patient.

Love is patient, Love is kind. Live your life looking forward to happiness!

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Shine

Just a corny poem I wrote today...
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You don't have to shine alone my friend
Lead the lost, light the path, cease the rain
Shine, as the sun does without refrain
Shine, as the stars in the sky burn in a fiery lane

Give life, give love, lit the night
Share the love endless and the light
Take pain, take hate, take the dark
Let not the suffering make its mark

Courage you'll find along with happiness
When the love you share is endless
Through turbulent times we'll press
And the light, will never ever shine less
And the light, will never ever shine less.

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Seize the day, seize the night, seize every opportunity to shine. Been thinking about that a lot. I guess thinking about all these things isn't really of much use because I always end up going round and round in circles without ending up anywhere. Guess education's not really done its part to make me a holistically better person.

Because the best things in life are all illogical.

Love's a fallacy, knowledge's all free,
It's just you and me, thanking God for the library.

Funny. I actually made those two lines sound illogically right. Heh. Gotta copyright that.

That's the gist of my whole post today, people. The best things in life are free, and it all just boils down to whether you really, truly appreciate them. Now let me phrase my message, Mastercard style.

Case 1:
Liposuction: $1000
Consultation fees: $150
Weight-loss therapy: $500
Fat-burning massage: $100

The perfect figure: Priceless.

Case 2:
Refreshing run in the park: Free
Swimming at the beach: Free
Eating less for a week: -$50
No junk food/drinks: Saving your own life and money.

The perfect figure: Priceless.

Now which one has more benefits? Heh. The best things in life are really free; love, joy, family, friends, smiles, laughs, now I know how much I've been missing out.



We can change the world, one person at a time. For our own future. Do something about it. http://www.avaaz.org/en/stop_the_clash

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Worries.

So many worries to worry about. When I think about it, the possibilities are endless. I could be worrying about virtually everything, worry after worry, until the day I die.

Better set my priorities right by worrying about the things I should worry about and dumping the rest...

Always praying for the Korean hostages, praying to God to give them the faith and strength to face the worst. Praying for their safety, and wishing for their return.

















They might physically be prisoners, but that's as far as it'll ever go. God is with them.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

So Smile

Slowly, sweetly, so tenderly
Come into this world, you invite me
Let it go, release, it's okay
Saw these chains, mellowly take me away
Sweetness, tasteless, it's so dangerous
Senseless, weightless, beauty
Is this it? is this really it?
But wait, there is more, a lot more

Sing me an art, craft me a song
Afraid of freedom, this careless soul
Afraid to drown in the beauty within
Too much in my hands, afraid to drop everything
Shape me a word, a single one,
To shine the courage of a thousand suns,
"We are two rivers, you cannot drown,
Two beautiful rivers that will flow as one.

There is nothing to hold, nothing to drop,
Only to drift in, and never to stop,
I am you, and you are me,
The word is us, and we fly free. "

There is so much more, than you'll ever know.

I'd stopped my rants and started regrouping. Apparently I'm on a breakdown cycle with the countdown timer going off every six months with uncontrollable recurrences in between. I thought I knew lots of things, but the greatest knowledge I have now is that I'm the biggest idiot of them all.

No, this is not self-deprecation but an honest accounting for all my stupidity and ignorance over the past few months.

I realise my all-too-human flaw is a huge obstacle to overcome, for it comes unconsciously from within; the Rage, the Fool, the Careless and the Lazy. My worst enemies, each one of them, and all of them are within me. All of them desecrating my life and my soul.

Its about time I got down to humbling myself and righting my wrongs. So difficult, yes, but so necessary. It's long overdue...

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Another update from the school library, given my 1.5 hour break I'd better be doing something useful -or something I like, like blogging, for that matter- and not waste my time idling away. I realise that my mood fluctuates as much as my weight (range of 73-76kg depending on training days), and sometimes- i wonder why- my mood is just totally foul when the Mariners lose a series.

Which leaves me mooning over why I'm feeling relatively cheerful after getting to know that Mariners lost 9-2 in the finale, ending my 6-game streak in mlb.com survivor. Still cheerful.

Honestly today was started in a broody mood, the unmistakable sign of a deprived soul, but somehow certain songs got my heart up and running again. Which really just shows how easily my mood can swing around, a flaw, but not necessarily a bad flaw if you get what I mean. Kind of like a double-edged sword.

"Think less, smile more." Easy way to put it, really tough to pull off for me. I really envy those who can just stop thinking about something and settle into an endless void with the ease of lifting a finger. Its a gift, but not necessarily a good gift if you get what I mean. Kind of like a double-edged sword.

Now you'd probably be able to see what I'm trying to drive at. Maybe not. Its just that lightness of the heart, for this matter, may or may not be a good thing. Difficult and risky as it is, though, I would love to be able to achieve that proper, perpetual lightness. People tell me not to take things too seriously, not to think too much, but its not easy too achieve. Thinking, when carried out in the modern world, often brings about depressing thoughts of damnation and catastrophe (in a wide variety of magnitude). Depending on the railway on which your train of thought travels, though, the glass can be half-full (or half-empty) according to your own way of thinking.

Perspective. Yes. You can build that railway through scenic mountains or even desolated ruins. You have the freedom to choose the scenery you yourself will see. The same thoughts would trigger differing reactions on your part, depending on your perspective, and sadly many people miss out on this fact that most of their lives hinge on these thought-carrying railways.

Do you see the glass as half-full or half-empty? Do you see happiness as ephemeral, or do you try to retain it for as long as you can? When you lose something, do you complain, or do you think about how others can benefit from it?

I try to be kind to everyone. Its really hard, now that I've seen so many more faces of the society (certainly not all), to really be considerate to people who really puts in a lot of hard work to make your life difficult. I try anyway. I fail. I try again. I fail again. I begin to lose hope... Then something brings me back to Hope, something inside tells me to go on, and I try again.

Sadly I have failed on many counts, even reducing myself to the level of hate. I despised myself for having to sink myself to such an inferior level, but it really is difficult. Being the human that I am, I am weak. I cannot find the will to keep fighting for others who don't even want to save themselves. I cannot live out the unfailing love.

I am weak. I cannot go on, yet I cannot stop in my tracks.

I know, all the time, deep inside, who to turn to. I know exactly who to turn to, but I don't do it. I think that I can solve the problems, given a bit of time, and I am reluctant to turn away from this path I tread.

Now, temporarily (being the human I am), all the present is now the past.

I was weak. I was reluctant to turn away from the path I trod. Now I turn to the light, silently wishing, praying that I can keep to the rocky path without deviating. Selfishness, I throw aside, wishing, praying that He'll never come back to me. From the claws of Rage, Foolery, Carelessness and Laziness, I escape, wishing, praying that they'll never find me.

And there is only One who truly has Power, Grace and Mercy at his side. The only one who can lift me up from the abyss.

If I would get joy in Your place
I would reject it
because She is at Your side. Always.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Reason Why

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travellin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me
So, I'll head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I, know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door

So, I'll head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I, know the reason why.

Again, part of the lyrics for another song (by Rachael Yamagata) which really got me going these few days. Slow, steady, and powerful beyond mere words. Amazing how songs can drive you (*cough*chaccaron*cough*) nuts or even make you stronger. Life's a bitch sometimes all the time, but hey, life's not that bad when you can lock yourself up in a room and sing the loudest you can to an invisible audience. Really helps destress or whatever.

Just trying to be strong, as always, and trying to be happy. Life's not all that bad when you love it for what it is a bitch. But hey, who cares. I've still got a really long road to run over here, and I'd better love it.

"Never apologize for showing feeling, because if you do, you're sorry for just being the human you are."

No regrets. Life goes on...

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Gravity

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
But something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

A part of a song's lyrics I found on 1 million love messages, really nice. Adequately describes my relationship with God. I know He's there even when I leave but I always end up going back to where I was. Something always brings me back to Him.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Unintentional hiatus, really.

If anyone of you actually noticed, I've been online only for like, once a week for ages now. I don't know what happened (maybe I found the multi-million dollar secret to ending computer addiction) but I just don't really use the computer nowadays. Sometimes I really feel like using the computer but I always end up not using it. Wonder why. Of course, with me not using the computer, blogging comes less and less (unless I'm in the school library, which is the case now) but I don't plan for my blog to die anytime soon. I will still post sometime or another (hoping for readers) just for the fun of it.

Alright. Life's been much less a chore than a pleasure lately, which actually is a huge improvement from recent times when I was in a fully pissed state. Lessons aren't really that bad now actually. Somehow I've managed to adjust to the style of education here, albeit a little too slowly.

Talked to Dad yesterday about his sermon and stuff like self-esteem and all that. Woke me up quite a bit, that. Realised how lucky I am to have a caring family which is proud of me and what I am. Pretty nice turn of mindset, really. Waking up feels different today than what it felt like yesterday, and it just gets better everyday.

Hoping that this mood would last me for a while, becaus eit sure feels good to be happy.