Sheep happens.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Close to Expiry Date.

Why do I feel like I'm being shelved?

Haven't I done enough, well, to merit at least a certain degree of appreciation? Given the supposed meaning of this "trust" we have between us, wouldn't I be disappointed when things go awry, or when things don't happen at all? Yes I know I am not supposed to have any expectations at all, so I won't be hurt or disappointed, but wouldn't that just mean that we're not what we claim to be? Friends? You know that friendship is a two-way thing, and its very very tiring trying to hold up a friendship that makes me feel like its one-sided. They say when you love, you will automatically think for the person you love before anything. I've given all I could for this; my time, my efforts, my thoughts and my tears, but I just feel like I can't do any of these anymore. I can't breathe. I can't even help myself now. I've given until there's nothing left, and I'm utterly disappointed with myself for not being able to give from God's love. My love's run dry now.

Double whammy.

Feeling like a deformed orange in a supermarket. You pick me up, look at me, and put me back because I'm not good enough for your basket. It just hurts more to know that I've given all I could have given, and knowing that I will never be able to take that place in your heart. I believe that words have to be backed by action. Without action, well, the whole human race might as well be parrots. I know I'm being selfish, but this feeling that I'm feeling now, isn't it on its own an indicator of how much this friendship means to me?

I won't say "I can't take it anymore", because I can. Something inside me is telling me I have the strength to persevere through it all, and that something isn't me. Thank God for putting me through this, because I shall be stronger when it is truly over.

Meanwhile, I'll take the pain, I'll take the apathy, I'll take the tears; until the day when I find that love is truly the answer.

You know, I'm writing this here with almost absolute certainty that you won't read this because you rarely read my stuff anyway. I just hope that God makes me a way, because now, there seems to be no right way out of this. If you happen to read this, well, I'm just in a self-pitying mood. This whole passage here is about what I think and how I feel. You're you. You have your own life, and you do whatever you want with it. Nothing wrong with that, right? I'm just the dude who's not fighting hard enough for my cause..