Sheep happens.

Friday, March 23, 2007

I need someone.

Life has been a bitch to me this week, treating me as if I am some sort of vermin (which I am now beginning to believe myself) and taking away so many things which were so dear to me before. Alone and helpless, yeah, that is how I am feeling now. I am turning to the incessant reading of books to make myself forget about my sorrows and my worries, delving into that sweet escape which the text provided, a realm of fantasy where my sorrows did not exist. I jump into another world.

I do not know what is happening, to be honest. I had come into the week fully energized and expecting a better, brand new start to things, but apparently things have turned out otherwise. I feel so lost now, unable to make a start on anything I had planned myself to do. Endless tides of misery keep striking me and my boat is being rocked dangerously, threatening to capsize anytime. Sometimes I do wonder why I am so weak, to give others the control over me, and knowingly so.

"Love is a sacrifice", and true enough it is. By loving someone you give them the power to hurt you, you give them the means to break you down and to tear you apart. Sometimes I just hate myself for being a thinking and feeling being, a helpless human being tossed about in the sea by raging waves, unable to fend off dangers and unable to defend himself. Others would always come with promises, but I really do not know whether to believe them or not; for words, when taken seriously by one but not well kept by the other party, would eventually end in even more pain and sorrow.

I do not know what to do know, for I seem to be walking on this path alone at present. Friends are always there but they never really help much, as it is with everybody else. It is not as if I do not try, in fact, hell would freeze over before I stop trying. It is just the fact that I am unable to tide through things alone. Prayer does help, and so does His Word, but maybe its the fact that my faith is not strong enough. I seriously need someone.

I need someone to talk to me when I need it. I need someone to pull me up when I am down. I need someone who would fight alongside me, someone who would never let go. I need someone who accepts me for who I am. I need someone. Bad.

What is the purpose of living, I now think. God gave me a life for a reason, but no, that reason has blurred itself in my vision. I cannot see it. I do not know how I am going to survive like this, and it comes across to me as exasperation on my part. I do not live for this, but yet I am in its control. Bound like a string puppet I am, under the control of fingers whose presence I can feel but I am unable to see.

The week is nearly over, and I do not see anything but sorrows ahead of me in the coming week.

So this is what it has come to. Maybe Death would not be too bad?

No way. I am not giving up without a fight. I'll fight to the death, pun intended.