Sheep happens.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

State of confusion.

This Valentine's day has had the word melancholy in bold, underlined, and highlighted. I know what's happening to me, really. It is just the fact that I am still not prepared to tell anyone about it. I do feel left out, yeah, and I do feel like I am entirely not suitable for this. I don't know what to do, really.

I bruise easily.

I feel like breaking down once again, and nothing is helping. Only one thing can solve the problem as I see it now, but I will not speak of it, for it would be too much to ask for. The key is so near, yet so far, and I cannot bring myself to do it. There would be that risk of hurting others in the process.

I am sure that immaturity on my part is blatantly showing, and I know that I have been the cause for displeasure amongst many. I apologize, but I have to be sorrier for myself. I just cannot stand the fact that I have not been able to fit in at all. I have this bad habit of withdrawing myself, but I guess it doesn't really matter. What matters is why I have been withdrawing myself, that's what I want to know.

I have been loving selfishly. My eyes have been dimmed and my vision blurred, and I do not know which path to take. This feeling is so surreal. From my conversations with the lamp post today, to be selfless is the only way out. I'd want her to be happy, no doubt, and I'd rather be the one suffering silently. I see no point in loving so selfishly. I'd just bring more suffering to myself and the people around me. I have to learn to come to terms with myself.

It never began, and it has to end.

Sometimes I just feel like crashing and burning. Why did God give me heaven? There must be a someone else should be in my place, someone who could fit in and be happy where he is, someone who would feel at home. The lamp post knew what I was thinking then, and somehow it seems that it understood me more than I do. I need a serious break from life. I have to stop faking those smiles, I have to stop living in self-delusion because it will not come to a good end.

Sometimes I feel like letting go of everything and giving up. Sometimes I feel like leaving without saying goodbye. I feel like I'm a burden to everyone around, and even though you might not mind, I mind. You guys don't deserve to carry the burden that I am now, and no one deserves it.

The time comes when you feel like everything's falling apart, and it is now. Whatever I had in the past is now gone, and I cannot pick up the pieces. I feel entirely lost.

I try to forget, and I try to be unfeeling of myself when it comes, but I just cannot do it. Withdrawal was my only weapon, and it certainly is not the best weapon there is.

And she vanished into thin air, just like the passing wind, without even saying goodbye.