Sheep happens.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

i'm screaming inside.

Today was really crappy.

I don't know why I was in such a state. Both mentally and physically hurt, and it occured to me that it was all self-inflicted. All these would not have happened if I wasn't me. If I had the courage. It really is not my cup of tea, trying to put up a brave front. I've tried so hard, I really did. I just couldn't do it, and I still can't. I was so down, I even went to cry.

My knuckles are all bloody from punching the wall. I can't stand myself.

Useless piece of crap.

What if you're in a "good" school? What if you have a good cca? What if your studies aren't really that bad?

It all sums up to nothing if you've got no one to share your joys and sorrows with. It all sums up to nothing when you're all alone. How could anyone live without companionship? But when I try to reach out to others, guess what happens.

Maybe I'm destined to lead such a life. Empty, lonely, meaningless and abandoned. Not entirely abandoned by others, but also by myself. I think of the many times I have let myself down, and I cannot forgive myself.

No one really knows how it feels, to be left all alone in the lurch; thrown into a deep well with no one to pull you up. Being unable to feel good, hard solid ground underneath your feet. Surely such travesty has never happened to anyone else?

Everywhere I go I see people laughing with their friends, people chatting endlessly on the phone, people having meals together. I often wonder what went wrong, but that's just me. People say there's nothing wrong with me. People say I'm fine.

Guess what, I'm not okay. I'm not normal. Period.

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Everytime I see you, my heart beats faster. My knees get so weak. I don't dare to speak.

Worse, I'll never know whether it's the last time I'll be looking at you. Your sweet smile, anything. It hurts when I see your face, it pains me when I see you smile. I dare not face the fact that I might not ever get to see that beautiful smile again.

It really is a daunting task to live your life when you're facing the prospect of going blind at any time.

If only you knew.

I'll never forgive myself if I never get the chance to see you again, and for that,

I'm screaming inside.

I know you don't see me that way, and I know it'll never happen.

All I can do is to wish you happiness. I know you'll find it.